Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
SEASON ONE REUNION!
LIVE! From the ID Lube Arena in beautiful downtown Cyberspace, it's the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF FRATPAD REUNION SHOW!
“Hi, I'm your host, Fratpad Andy,” said Andy and he tried to keep his wonky eye looking forward. “Joining me tonight is the cast of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF FRATPAD.”
“Am I getting paid for this?” asked BuckB. “Because I was told I was going to get paid.”
“Herm, Tyreese,” began Andy. “Is there still any animosity between the two of you?”
“I hate that heffer,” said Tyreese. “I don't even want to be in the same room with her.”
“Now Tyreese,” said Andy. “In fairness to Herm, you did try to summon Satan to attack Herm.”
“Okay but that was ONE TIME,” reasoned Tyreese. “What about when Herm stole my scheduled time for my private with Max?”
“Tyreese,” said Herm. “Newsflash: Max hates you. And so does Jesus. Jesus hates you, Tyreese!”
“We'll get back to Herm and Tyreese later,” said Andy. “But now let's talk about the many Housewives who are sashaying into the limelight through music, beauty products, and books.”
“Please buy my book Secrets of a Methodist Mutha,” said Howdy. “I don't care if you read it or not, just buy the damn book.”
“Howdy,” said Andy. “What made you decide to write a book?”
“Well Andy,” said Howdy as she bit into a pineapple. “I answer that question in my book. Go buy it, mmk?”
“BuckB there have been reports that you can't sing,” said Andy. “And that you rely on Auto Tune to do your singing for you.”
“Andy my voice is sweet,” said BuckB. “Sweet like my kisses.”
“PhoinixBlue, your beauty cream caused a panic when it was revealed that your secret ingredient for Tru Re-Doo was poo,” stated Andy. “What do you have to say about that?”
“Recycling is the only way to save the planet,” replied PhoinixBlue.
“Much of the excitement of this season was focused on mtoeta's tireless efforts to organize a fundraiser for her darling daughter Skavery,” said Andy. “mtoeta, you didn't raise much money for the foundation, did you?”
“No, Andy,” replied mtoeta. “I did not. It was difficult to collect money in the middle of a demon resurrection and an attack by an army of cockroaches.”
“Are you trying to blame me for this shit?” asked Hulko44. “Because if you are, bring it! Bring it, bitch!”
“Hulko44, as our newest Housewife, how do you feel about this?” asked Andy.
“How do I feel?” asked Hulko44. “I got five minutes of airtime and now I'm blamed for demons and roaches! Fuck this shit! Y'all can kiss my black ass! I want a raise!”
“If that bitch gets a raise, I want a raise!” stated mtoeta. “I was here first!”
“I want a raise!” said Howdy.
“People love me the most,” said BuckB. “I should get a raise.”
“Hello! I saved the world from Jackon's penis roaches,” declared Herm. “If ANYONE gets a raise, it should be me.”
“Who brings the drama more than me?” asked Tyreese. “I deserve a raise!”
“You don't bring drama,” replied JustJayJ. “You bring crabs and chlamydia!”
“Ladies! Ladies!” yelled Andy. “Stop the madness!”
“On behalf of all of the Housewives, I will be negotiating a new contract with a 20% raise for everyone – of which I will collect an 18% commission!” announced JustJayJ. “No one works until we get our raises! We are on STRIKE!”
“On strike?” asked Andy.
“If you like us then you should have put a raise on us, mmk?” said Howdy.
Suddenly, music filled the room and Howdy burst into song:
“Are you sure about this strike?” asked Andy.
“YES! WE! ARE!” shouted the Housewives.
“Ok,” said Andy. “I'd like you to meet a few of my friends. Say hello to some NEW Housewives!”
"Lindsay Lohan?" asked JustJayJ in disbelief.
"I need the money!" sneered Lindsay.
"I need the money!" sneered Lindsay.
“Join us next season to find out who will be in the cast!” announced Andy.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
BENEFIT FROM HELL - THE SHOCKING SEASON FINALE!
It was a Who's Who of Fratpad as everyone gathered at the Fratpad Banquet Hall for the Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin's First Annual Charity Benefit. Inside, the Housewives assisted mtoeta with the finishing touches as the crowds began pouring into the hall.
“When do I go on stage to sing?” asked BuckB.
“When do I get to plug Tru Re-Doo?” asked PhoinixBlue, who was wearing a lovely beaded black Gap t-shirt with Banana Republic skinny jeans and Prada boots.
“Bucky, you go on right after Charo,” answered mtoeta. “PhoBlu, you go on after Bucky.”
“Hold up,” said Hulko44. “I'm the party planner. BuckB, you are up first!”
“Thank you!” said BuckB. “Fuck Charo!”
“PhonixBlu, you can go on after BuckB as long as everyone gets a free sample of Tru Re-Doo!” said Hulko44.
“Listen,” said Howdy. “When do I get to go on stage to promote my book Secrets of a Methodist Mutha?”
“I read your book, Howdy,” replied Hulko44. “It sucks.”
“Why are you so quiet tonight, JustJayJ?” asked Herm. “Have you been sinning?”
“No,” said JustJayJ. “Big Whopper dumped me last night.”
“Aww,” said the Housewives in unison.
“It's okay,” replied JustJayJ. “I'll find another rich man to love me and shower me with gifts.”
“Hurry up,” Hulko said to mtoeta. “Go on stage and get the show started!”
mtoeta strutted up onto the stage and signaled for the festivities to begin.
“Ladies, Gentlemen, and Fratmen! Welcome to the First Annual Charity Benefit for the Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin!” announced mtoeta. “Please allow me to introduce my darling daughter, Skavery!”
Skavery came up on stage and joined her mother in the spotlight.
“I would just like to thank everyone for coming out tonight,” said Skavery. “My mother would like all of you to donate to the foundation, and I'm hoping to score some coke and cock tonight. I love all of you and I hate my mother very, very much!”
“Thank you Skavery!” said mtoeta. “Our first guest will be appearing at the fabulous Flopicana Casino and Resort in Atlantic City next weekend but we have her here first! Please welcome singing sensation BuckB!”
BuckB sashayed onto the stage and took the microphone from mtoeta. Just then, BuckB had a shocking realization – she forgot to bring her AutoTune! Always brave, BuckB sang anyway.
"My ears are bleeding!" screamed Skavery.
"Your face is bleeding, too!" exclaimed Herm.
“Thanks Buck,” said mtoeta. “And now if all of you check your tables, you will find a complimentary jar of Tru Re-Doo beauty cream courtesy of PhoinixBlue!”
Everyone excitedly opened their jars of Tru Re-Doo and began applying the cream to their faces.
“Oh my God!” exclaimed JustJayJ. “This smells like shit!”
“It smells exactly like shit!” said Herm.
Everyone was horrified as they came to a grave realization.
“It IS shit!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!”
“Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!” agreed JustJayJ.
“True Re-Doo is made from poo!” the audience angrily chanted. Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!”
“What can I say?” shrugged PhoinixBlue. “I poop well.”
“This night is a complete disaster!” cried mtoeta.
“At least Tyreese didn't show up!” smiled Herm.
“Greetings, everyone!” said Tyreese as she strolled into the Fratpad Banquet Hall. “I'm here to present a check for $1,000 to the Skavery Foundation!”
“Why thank you, Tyreese!” said mtoeta. “Bless you!”
“I also have a gift for you, Herm!” smiled Tyreese. “Say hello to your father!”
All eyes turned on the man standing next to Tyreese.
“Eek!” screamed Howdy.
“Holy shit!” said BuckB.
“Aye dios mio!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue. “Necesito hacer caca!”
“Daddy!” cried Herm.
“Big Whopper?!?!” exclaimed JustJayJ.
“Hostmaster John is Herm's father?” asked mtoeta in disbelief.
“Hostmaster John is Big Whopper?” asked Howdy in shock.
“Herm, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you while you were growing up,” said Hostmaster John. “And I'm sorry about always banning you from Fratpad. But I'm going to make it up to you.”
“Make it up to him?” asked Tyreese. “What about fucking with his mind? That's why I tracked you down, damnit!”
“Tyreese, you are a shit-fucking skank-whore from Hell!” screamed Herm. "You are EVIL and I am GOOD! Good always defeats evil, mmk?"
"You want evil?" asked Tyreese. "Oh, I'll give you evil!"
Tyreese dropped to her knees (as usual), then held her arms up in the air.
"Evil spirits," Tyreese called. "I command you to manifest yourselves in the form of the Evil One! Bring me the DEVIL!"
Just then, the lights flickered and a deafening scream filled the Fratpad Banquet Hall as a horrible smell filled the air.
"Jesus take the wheel!" screamed Hulko44. "Tyreese is calling on the Devil!"
Smoke filled the banquet hall as The Evil One rose out of the ashes and made himself visible for all to see!
"Nooooo!" screamed Howdy.
"Someone save us!" shouted JustJayJ.
"So I'm pretty sure this party officially sucks now," said mtoeta.
"He's here!" smiled Tyreese. "The Evil One!"
"The only thing worse than a demon is a stupid demon," said Tyreese as she shook her head at Fratmen Jackson. "Now shut up and do something evil to destroy Herm!"
"Ok," said Jackson as he pulled out his small, oddly shaped penis and pulled back his foreskin. As he did this, millions of cockroaches came running from under the foreskin of his small, oddly shaped penis!
"Oh my God!" screamed PhoinixBlue. "It's an army of cockroaches! And they are coming from his dick!!"
"Doesn't everyone have roaches living inside their foreskin?" asked Jackson. "Isn't that why they are called cock roaches?"
"Save us Herm!" begged BuckB as a giant roach landed in her wig. "You are our only hope!"
Herm bravely stood before Jackson, with hands raised to the Heavens.
"The power of Herm compels you!" screamed Herm. "The power of Herm compels you!"
"The power of Herm compels you!" the crowd chanted. "The power of Herm compels you."
"You have no power over me," said Jackson. "Because I don't even know what the word compels means!"
"Well, what about this?" asked Herm as he threw a bucket of water on Jackson.
"Oh no!" screamed Jackson. "I'm melting!"
"Yay!" applauded the crowd. "He's melting!"
As Jackson melted away into nothing, Hostmaster John came forward and shook Herm's hand.
“Herm, I am retiring and moving to Sweden to be closer to the band Abba,” said Hostmaster John. “I'm leaving Fratpad to you to run as you see fit.”
“Daddy!” said Herm as he hugged Hostmaster John.
“Fratpad was supposed to be MINE!” said JustJayJ. “Me and Leo were going to run the entire Fratpad Empire together! What the fuck is this all about?”
“Well Tyreese, you didn't destroy Herm,” said mtoeta. “You only made him stronger!”
“Just wait til next season!” spat Tyreese. “Revenge!”
“When do I go on stage to sing?” asked BuckB.
“When do I get to plug Tru Re-Doo?” asked PhoinixBlue, who was wearing a lovely beaded black Gap t-shirt with Banana Republic skinny jeans and Prada boots.
“Bucky, you go on right after Charo,” answered mtoeta. “PhoBlu, you go on after Bucky.”
“Hold up,” said Hulko44. “I'm the party planner. BuckB, you are up first!”
“Thank you!” said BuckB. “Fuck Charo!”
“PhonixBlu, you can go on after BuckB as long as everyone gets a free sample of Tru Re-Doo!” said Hulko44.
“Listen,” said Howdy. “When do I get to go on stage to promote my book Secrets of a Methodist Mutha?”
“I read your book, Howdy,” replied Hulko44. “It sucks.”
“Why are you so quiet tonight, JustJayJ?” asked Herm. “Have you been sinning?”
“No,” said JustJayJ. “Big Whopper dumped me last night.”
“Aww,” said the Housewives in unison.
“It's okay,” replied JustJayJ. “I'll find another rich man to love me and shower me with gifts.”
“Hurry up,” Hulko said to mtoeta. “Go on stage and get the show started!”
mtoeta strutted up onto the stage and signaled for the festivities to begin.
“Ladies, Gentlemen, and Fratmen! Welcome to the First Annual Charity Benefit for the Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin!” announced mtoeta. “Please allow me to introduce my darling daughter, Skavery!”
Skavery came up on stage and joined her mother in the spotlight.
“I would just like to thank everyone for coming out tonight,” said Skavery. “My mother would like all of you to donate to the foundation, and I'm hoping to score some coke and cock tonight. I love all of you and I hate my mother very, very much!”
BuckB sashayed onto the stage and took the microphone from mtoeta. Just then, BuckB had a shocking realization – she forgot to bring her AutoTune! Always brave, BuckB sang anyway.
"My ears are bleeding!" screamed Skavery.
"Your face is bleeding, too!" exclaimed Herm.
“Thanks Buck,” said mtoeta. “And now if all of you check your tables, you will find a complimentary jar of Tru Re-Doo beauty cream courtesy of PhoinixBlue!”
Everyone excitedly opened their jars of Tru Re-Doo and began applying the cream to their faces.
“Oh my God!” exclaimed JustJayJ. “This smells like shit!”
“It smells exactly like shit!” said Herm.
Everyone was horrified as they came to a grave realization.
“It IS shit!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!”
“Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!” agreed JustJayJ.
“True Re-Doo is made from poo!” the audience angrily chanted. Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!”
“What can I say?” shrugged PhoinixBlue. “I poop well.”
“This night is a complete disaster!” cried mtoeta.
“At least Tyreese didn't show up!” smiled Herm.
“Greetings, everyone!” said Tyreese as she strolled into the Fratpad Banquet Hall. “I'm here to present a check for $1,000 to the Skavery Foundation!”
“Why thank you, Tyreese!” said mtoeta. “Bless you!”
“I also have a gift for you, Herm!” smiled Tyreese. “Say hello to your father!”
All eyes turned on the man standing next to Tyreese.
“Eek!” screamed Howdy.
“Holy shit!” said BuckB.
“Aye dios mio!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue. “Necesito hacer caca!”
“Daddy!” cried Herm.
“Big Whopper?!?!” exclaimed JustJayJ.
“Hostmaster John is Herm's father?” asked mtoeta in disbelief.
“Hostmaster John is Big Whopper?” asked Howdy in shock.
“Herm, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you while you were growing up,” said Hostmaster John. “And I'm sorry about always banning you from Fratpad. But I'm going to make it up to you.”
“Make it up to him?” asked Tyreese. “What about fucking with his mind? That's why I tracked you down, damnit!”
“Tyreese, you are a shit-fucking skank-whore from Hell!” screamed Herm. "You are EVIL and I am GOOD! Good always defeats evil, mmk?"
"You want evil?" asked Tyreese. "Oh, I'll give you evil!"
Tyreese dropped to her knees (as usual), then held her arms up in the air.
"Evil spirits," Tyreese called. "I command you to manifest yourselves in the form of the Evil One! Bring me the DEVIL!"
Just then, the lights flickered and a deafening scream filled the Fratpad Banquet Hall as a horrible smell filled the air.
"Jesus take the wheel!" screamed Hulko44. "Tyreese is calling on the Devil!"
Smoke filled the banquet hall as The Evil One rose out of the ashes and made himself visible for all to see!
"Nooooo!" screamed Howdy.
"Someone save us!" shouted JustJayJ.
"So I'm pretty sure this party officially sucks now," said mtoeta.
"He's here!" smiled Tyreese. "The Evil One!"
"The only thing worse than a demon is a stupid demon," said Tyreese as she shook her head at Fratmen Jackson. "Now shut up and do something evil to destroy Herm!"
"Ok," said Jackson as he pulled out his small, oddly shaped penis and pulled back his foreskin. As he did this, millions of cockroaches came running from under the foreskin of his small, oddly shaped penis!
"Oh my God!" screamed PhoinixBlue. "It's an army of cockroaches! And they are coming from his dick!!"
"Doesn't everyone have roaches living inside their foreskin?" asked Jackson. "Isn't that why they are called cock roaches?"
"Save us Herm!" begged BuckB as a giant roach landed in her wig. "You are our only hope!"
Herm bravely stood before Jackson, with hands raised to the Heavens.
"The power of Herm compels you!" screamed Herm. "The power of Herm compels you!"
"The power of Herm compels you!" the crowd chanted. "The power of Herm compels you."
"You have no power over me," said Jackson. "Because I don't even know what the word compels means!"
"Well, what about this?" asked Herm as he threw a bucket of water on Jackson.
"Oh no!" screamed Jackson. "I'm melting!"
"Yay!" applauded the crowd. "He's melting!"
As Jackson melted away into nothing, Hostmaster John came forward and shook Herm's hand.
“Herm, I am retiring and moving to Sweden to be closer to the band Abba,” said Hostmaster John. “I'm leaving Fratpad to you to run as you see fit.”
“Daddy!” said Herm as he hugged Hostmaster John.
“Fratpad was supposed to be MINE!” said JustJayJ. “Me and Leo were going to run the entire Fratpad Empire together! What the fuck is this all about?”
“Well Tyreese, you didn't destroy Herm,” said mtoeta. “You only made him stronger!”
“Just wait til next season!” spat Tyreese. “Revenge!”
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
THE NEW HOUSEWIFE ON THE BLOCK
It was a sunny day at Fratpad when Tyreese met BuckB and mtoeta for lunch.
“What are you going to do?” asked BuckB. “Are you going to make peace with Herm so he will introduce you to your birth father?”
“Oh hell no!” exclaimed Tyreese. “That skank has nothing on me! I don't believe anything he says!”
“Aren't you a little bit curious if Herm has really found your daddy?” asked mtoeta.
“Don't you worry,” said Tyreese. “I have a big surprise for Herm!”
Meanwhile, Herm was having lunch with JustJayJ, Howdy, and PhoinixBlue.
“Tyreese's days are numbered!” announced Herm. “I'm sending him back to Hell where he came from!”
“Don't let this upset you,” advised JustJayJ. “You'll get wrinkles.”
“Wrinkles vanish with Tru Re-Doo!” stated PhoinixBlue. “It's all natural!”
“Hurry up and pay the check,” said Howdy. “I have to get to a book signing!”
“A book signing?” asked JustJayJ. “You wrote a book?”
“Yes,” said Howdy as he held up a copy of his book, Secrets of a Methodist Mutha by Howdy Ann Manson.
"Eeek!" exclaimed JustJayJ.
“I have to hurry as well,” stated JustJayJ. “I have a hot date!”
“Another one?” asked Howdy. “Is is with who I think it is?”
"Yes,” nodded JustJayJ. “Big Whopper and I are still hot and heavy.”
“I think it's disgusting that you are fornicating with an older weather man!” said Herm. “You're going to HELL!”
"Will you ever reveal Big Whopper's true identity?" asked Howdy.
"Never!" smiled JustJayJ.
Later, mtoeta, BuckB, Howdy, JustJayJ and PhoinixBlue gathered at the Fratpad Banquet Hall to put the finishing touches on the charity benefit for The Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin.
“I hope and pray that Herm and Tyreese don't ruin my darling Skavery's big night!” said mtoeta.
“I have wonderful news,” said PhoinixBlue who was wearing a stylish “I'm Hung Like William Hung” t-shirt. “The warehouse is sending over an extra case of Tru Re-Doo for the benefit!”
“I'll trade you a free copy of Secrets of a Methodist Mutha for some free Tru Re-Doo!” offered Howdy.
“No one wants to read your book, Howdy,” said JustJayJ.
“Check out the reviews on Amazon,” replied Howdy. “They are raving about my book!”
“That's because YOU wrote them!” said BuckB.
“Listen," said Howdy. "They are still raving about me!” said Howdy.
“Calm down girls,” said a voice from the back of the banquet hall. “Hulko44 the Party Planner Extraordinaire is here to save the day!”
“Hulko44 is planning the charity benefit?” gasped JustJayJ.
“She's the Calvin Klein of party planners!” said PhoinixBlue.
“Did you bring free samples?” asked Howdy.
“Where did you come from?” asked mtoeta. “I didn't hire a party planner!”
“Skavery hired me,” said Hulko44. “She said you would screw it up if you did it on your own.”
“My darling Skavery is always thinking ahead!” smiled mtoeta.
“Skavery also said she hates you and hopes you can't make it to the benefit,” said Hulko44. “Now lets plan a party, shall we?”
Later, Tyreese dialed his Boost Mobile prepaid phone.
"Hello, Jackie Collins!” said Tyreese. “I did you a favor and made your book about Herm a best seller. Now I need a favor! I need a favor that will destroy Herm once and for all!”
To be Continued....
“What are you going to do?” asked BuckB. “Are you going to make peace with Herm so he will introduce you to your birth father?”
“Oh hell no!” exclaimed Tyreese. “That skank has nothing on me! I don't believe anything he says!”
“Aren't you a little bit curious if Herm has really found your daddy?” asked mtoeta.
“Don't you worry,” said Tyreese. “I have a big surprise for Herm!”
Meanwhile, Herm was having lunch with JustJayJ, Howdy, and PhoinixBlue.
“Tyreese's days are numbered!” announced Herm. “I'm sending him back to Hell where he came from!”
“Don't let this upset you,” advised JustJayJ. “You'll get wrinkles.”
“Wrinkles vanish with Tru Re-Doo!” stated PhoinixBlue. “It's all natural!”
“Hurry up and pay the check,” said Howdy. “I have to get to a book signing!”
“A book signing?” asked JustJayJ. “You wrote a book?”
“Yes,” said Howdy as he held up a copy of his book, Secrets of a Methodist Mutha by Howdy Ann Manson.
"Eeek!" exclaimed JustJayJ.
“I have to hurry as well,” stated JustJayJ. “I have a hot date!”
“Another one?” asked Howdy. “Is is with who I think it is?”
"Yes,” nodded JustJayJ. “Big Whopper and I are still hot and heavy.”
“I think it's disgusting that you are fornicating with an older weather man!” said Herm. “You're going to HELL!”
"Will you ever reveal Big Whopper's true identity?" asked Howdy.
"Never!" smiled JustJayJ.
Later, mtoeta, BuckB, Howdy, JustJayJ and PhoinixBlue gathered at the Fratpad Banquet Hall to put the finishing touches on the charity benefit for The Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin.
“I hope and pray that Herm and Tyreese don't ruin my darling Skavery's big night!” said mtoeta.
“I have wonderful news,” said PhoinixBlue who was wearing a stylish “I'm Hung Like William Hung” t-shirt. “The warehouse is sending over an extra case of Tru Re-Doo for the benefit!”
“I'll trade you a free copy of Secrets of a Methodist Mutha for some free Tru Re-Doo!” offered Howdy.
“No one wants to read your book, Howdy,” said JustJayJ.
“Check out the reviews on Amazon,” replied Howdy. “They are raving about my book!”
“That's because YOU wrote them!” said BuckB.
“Listen," said Howdy. "They are still raving about me!” said Howdy.
“Calm down girls,” said a voice from the back of the banquet hall. “Hulko44 the Party Planner Extraordinaire is here to save the day!”
“Hulko44 is planning the charity benefit?” gasped JustJayJ.
“She's the Calvin Klein of party planners!” said PhoinixBlue.
“Did you bring free samples?” asked Howdy.
“Where did you come from?” asked mtoeta. “I didn't hire a party planner!”
“Skavery hired me,” said Hulko44. “She said you would screw it up if you did it on your own.”
“My darling Skavery is always thinking ahead!” smiled mtoeta.
“Skavery also said she hates you and hopes you can't make it to the benefit,” said Hulko44. “Now lets plan a party, shall we?”
Later, Tyreese dialed his Boost Mobile prepaid phone.
"Hello, Jackie Collins!” said Tyreese. “I did you a favor and made your book about Herm a best seller. Now I need a favor! I need a favor that will destroy Herm once and for all!”
To be Continued....
Thursday, September 2, 2010
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
Herm was exhausted as she dragged her ass home after another tiring (yet fulfilling) day of assisting handicapped children. She plopped on her sofa and turned on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Herm was just about to drift off into a cat nap when she heard the comforting voice of Oprah coming from her television.
“Coming up, JACKIE COLLINS tells all about her latest book, our newest OPRAH BOOK CLUB SELECTION! Rush out and buy BANNED! THE UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF HERM BY JACKIE COLLINS!”
Herm bolted from the sofa.
“Nooooooo!” he exclaimed.
Meanwhile, the other Housewives were busy helping mtoeta organize a lavish charity benefit at the Fratpad banquet hall.
“Thank you all so much for your time, effort, and generosity,” said mtoeta, wiping away a tear. “I can't tell how much this means to me and to my darling little Skavery. The Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin is going to make a lot of money thanks to all of you!”
“I'd like to add something wonderful to the benefit,” said PhoinixBlue, who was wearing fuchsia Prada jogging suit.
“What is it, PhoBlu?” asked JustJayJ.
“I'm donating a case of my new all-natural beauty product, Tru Re-Doo!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue. “The actual retail value is $1,000, but for you and Skavery, it's a free donation from me!”
“Thank you!” said mtoeta.
“Do we get to try it out?” asked Howdy. “I want some Tru Re-Doo, mmk?”
"Check it out on HSN, honey," said PhoinixBlue.
“Not to be out-done, I'd like to donate an autographed advance copy of my brand new CD!” said BuckB.
“A CD?” asked JustJayJ. “When did you start singing?”
“When I found out someone would pay me to sing!” answered BuckB.
“I'm donating copies of Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins,” said Tyreese.
“Can someone please donate tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert?” asked a voice from around the corner of the banquet hall.
“Skavery!” beamed mtoeta. “Doesn't my baby look stunning?”
After the other Housewives gagged, vomited, and covered their eyes in fear, they reluctantly told mtoeta that Skavery was indeed stunning.
“What did you do after school today, Skavery?” asked mtoeta.
“I did a few lines of cocaine with Lindsay Lohan and the fat kid from Two and a Half Men,” answered Skavery. “Can I have a car?”
“Of course you can!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Howdy, here's my Amex! Can you please take Skavery out to pick up a car?”
“Come on, Skavery,” said Howdy. “Let's stop at Jack in the Box on they way to get your car!”
“Ok, Auntie Howdy!” said Skavery.
“Bye Sweetie!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Love you!”
“Bye Mommy,” said Skavery. “I hate you and everything you stand for!”
After Howdy and Skavery left, the remaining Housewives continued to work on the plans for the benefit.
“We need more donations!” said JustJayJ.
“Maybe Tyreese can donate her SOUL!” shrieked Herm as she entered the banquet hall. “Oh excuse me, you don't HAVE a soul do you?”
“Hi Herm,” smiled Tyreese. “Read any good books lately?”
“I'm not going to have the two of you ruining my Skavery's wonderful charity benefit!” growled mtoeta.
“Don't worry about me,” said Tyreese. “I'm a good girl.”
“You are a sinner who is doomed to eternal hellfire!” Herm shot back.
“Can't we all just get along?” asked JustJayJ.
“NO!” answered Herm. “Tyreese, admit that you dug up that book about me and spread it all over Fratpad!”
“I admit nothing,” smiled Tyreese.
“You dug up that book and gave it to Oprah!” screamed Herm. “It's her new book club selection!”
“I wonder if Oprah will come to my darling Skavery's charity benefit?” asked mtoeta.
"Tyreese, I'm warning you!” said Herm. “Call off this book business or else!”
“Or else what?” asked Tyreese. “You have no power over me! I'm an independent woman, and I'm doin' it for myself!”
“I've searched high and low for my birth father,” said Herm. “And I've yet to find him. BUT, I did find someone else!”
“Who?” aske PhoinixBlue.
“I found Tyreese's birth father!” said Herm as the Housewives gasped.
“That's not true!” said Tyreese. “My father was a mailman who left me in a mailbox when I was a baby! He couldn't properly take care of me because he had to sort the letters without ZIP codes! Why can't people use ZIP codes?”
“That was a lie the postmaster told you,” said Herm. “I found your father! And if you want to see him, you'll have to start playing by my rules, mmk?”
To Be Continued
“Coming up, JACKIE COLLINS tells all about her latest book, our newest OPRAH BOOK CLUB SELECTION! Rush out and buy BANNED! THE UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF HERM BY JACKIE COLLINS!”
Herm bolted from the sofa.
“Nooooooo!” he exclaimed.
Meanwhile, the other Housewives were busy helping mtoeta organize a lavish charity benefit at the Fratpad banquet hall.
“Thank you all so much for your time, effort, and generosity,” said mtoeta, wiping away a tear. “I can't tell how much this means to me and to my darling little Skavery. The Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin is going to make a lot of money thanks to all of you!”
“I'd like to add something wonderful to the benefit,” said PhoinixBlue, who was wearing fuchsia Prada jogging suit.
“What is it, PhoBlu?” asked JustJayJ.
“I'm donating a case of my new all-natural beauty product, Tru Re-Doo!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue. “The actual retail value is $1,000, but for you and Skavery, it's a free donation from me!”
“Thank you!” said mtoeta.
“Do we get to try it out?” asked Howdy. “I want some Tru Re-Doo, mmk?”
"Check it out on HSN, honey," said PhoinixBlue.
“Not to be out-done, I'd like to donate an autographed advance copy of my brand new CD!” said BuckB.
“A CD?” asked JustJayJ. “When did you start singing?”
“When I found out someone would pay me to sing!” answered BuckB.
“I'm donating copies of Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins,” said Tyreese.
“Can someone please donate tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert?” asked a voice from around the corner of the banquet hall.
“Skavery!” beamed mtoeta. “Doesn't my baby look stunning?”
After the other Housewives gagged, vomited, and covered their eyes in fear, they reluctantly told mtoeta that Skavery was indeed stunning.
“What did you do after school today, Skavery?” asked mtoeta.
“I did a few lines of cocaine with Lindsay Lohan and the fat kid from Two and a Half Men,” answered Skavery. “Can I have a car?”
“Of course you can!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Howdy, here's my Amex! Can you please take Skavery out to pick up a car?”
“Come on, Skavery,” said Howdy. “Let's stop at Jack in the Box on they way to get your car!”
“Ok, Auntie Howdy!” said Skavery.
“Bye Sweetie!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Love you!”
“Bye Mommy,” said Skavery. “I hate you and everything you stand for!”
After Howdy and Skavery left, the remaining Housewives continued to work on the plans for the benefit.
“We need more donations!” said JustJayJ.
“Maybe Tyreese can donate her SOUL!” shrieked Herm as she entered the banquet hall. “Oh excuse me, you don't HAVE a soul do you?”
“Hi Herm,” smiled Tyreese. “Read any good books lately?”
“I'm not going to have the two of you ruining my Skavery's wonderful charity benefit!” growled mtoeta.
“Don't worry about me,” said Tyreese. “I'm a good girl.”
“You are a sinner who is doomed to eternal hellfire!” Herm shot back.
“Can't we all just get along?” asked JustJayJ.
“NO!” answered Herm. “Tyreese, admit that you dug up that book about me and spread it all over Fratpad!”
“I admit nothing,” smiled Tyreese.
“You dug up that book and gave it to Oprah!” screamed Herm. “It's her new book club selection!”
“I wonder if Oprah will come to my darling Skavery's charity benefit?” asked mtoeta.
"Tyreese, I'm warning you!” said Herm. “Call off this book business or else!”
“Or else what?” asked Tyreese. “You have no power over me! I'm an independent woman, and I'm doin' it for myself!”
“I've searched high and low for my birth father,” said Herm. “And I've yet to find him. BUT, I did find someone else!”
“Who?” aske PhoinixBlue.
“I found Tyreese's birth father!” said Herm as the Housewives gasped.
“That's not true!” said Tyreese. “My father was a mailman who left me in a mailbox when I was a baby! He couldn't properly take care of me because he had to sort the letters without ZIP codes! Why can't people use ZIP codes?”
“That was a lie the postmaster told you,” said Herm. “I found your father! And if you want to see him, you'll have to start playing by my rules, mmk?”
To Be Continued
Thursday, August 26, 2010
TYREESE'S BOOK CLUB
It was a fateful day in Fratpad when Herm called her best buddy, PhoinixBlue. Herm was excited to share some exciting news with PhoBlu.
“What is it?” asked PhoBlu, who was wearing a black DKNY t-shirt with “FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS” spelled out in sequins.
“I've decided to find my birth father,” exclaimed Herm.
“That's fabulous and dramatic!” squealed PhoinixBlue.
“So what about you?” asked Herm. “What are you up to?”
“Oh, nothing,” replied Phoinix. “I've been reading a book...”
In fact, all of the Housewives had been reading the same book – Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins had become an overnight bestseller in Fratpad ever since Tyreese found out about it and shared it with everyone.
Meanwhile, JustJayJ, BuckB, Howdy, mtoeta, and Tyreese got together to dish the contents of the book.
“This book is shocking and unusual!” exclaimed JustJayJ.
“Do you think it is true?” asked BuckB.
“Umm hmmm,” nodded Howdy. “It says on page 214 he was arrested!”
“And he changed his name!” stated mtoeta.
“He changed his name many times,” confirmed Tyreese. “We know him as Herm, but others have known him as JesusLvr21 AND JesusLvr22.”
“And Regina,” piped in JustJayJ. “Don't forget Regina!”
“Listen,” said Howdy. “Hermie is harmless. He can have as many names as he wants, mmk?”
“I seem to remember a time when you went by the name Precious,” Tyreese said to Howdy.
“Never mind that,” said Howdy, as he quickly gobbled an Egg McMuffin.
“The bottom line is that if everything in this book is true, Herm is not someone we want around our families and our children,” stated JustJayJ.
“Who has children?” wondered mtoeta.
“Herm has never fit in,” said BuckB. “Each of us have achieved success, fame, and fortune – except for Herm!”
“That's true,” replied JustJayJ. “I am a famous blogger, Howdy owns Hawaiian Airlines, mtoeta is the CEO of Wigs, Weaves, & Beyond, BuckB is the head of programming for Bravo, PhoinixBlue is William Hung's personal stand-in, and Tyreese is the host of Guess My Venereal Disease on the Discovery Health Channel. But what about Herm? He's not famous or successful. She's like a termite that attached himself to us!”
“And it's time we un-attach Herm!” replied Tyreese.
"May I puh-leeze change the subject?" asked mtoeta. "I'm organizing a fabulous benefit for my favorite charity and I want all of you to be there!"
"That sounds exciting," exclaimed JustJayJ. "Count me in!"
"What is the charity?" asked Howdy. "Will there be free food?"
"As you all know, my beautiful daughter Skavery suffers from a rare skin disease," said mtoeta. "I'm very fortunate to have a disease in the family so I don't have to do benefits for homeless people and actually have to touch someone who isn't rich and fabulous like me."
Later, after sending complimentary copies of Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins to the entire membership of Fratpad and Fratmen.TV, Tyreese called his long lost cousin Gayle King, and asked her to make a suggestion for her best friend Oprah's book club...
Meanwhile, when Herm's private investigators didn't turn up any information on his biological father, Herm went one step beyond and hired a team of world-famous Nazi Hunters to find his father.
"If they can find Nazis, surely they can find my father!" reasoned Herm.
But, finding his father wasn't Herm's only goal...
“What is it?” asked PhoBlu, who was wearing a black DKNY t-shirt with “FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS” spelled out in sequins.
“I've decided to find my birth father,” exclaimed Herm.
“That's fabulous and dramatic!” squealed PhoinixBlue.
“So what about you?” asked Herm. “What are you up to?”
“Oh, nothing,” replied Phoinix. “I've been reading a book...”
In fact, all of the Housewives had been reading the same book – Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins had become an overnight bestseller in Fratpad ever since Tyreese found out about it and shared it with everyone.
Meanwhile, JustJayJ, BuckB, Howdy, mtoeta, and Tyreese got together to dish the contents of the book.
“This book is shocking and unusual!” exclaimed JustJayJ.
“Do you think it is true?” asked BuckB.
“Umm hmmm,” nodded Howdy. “It says on page 214 he was arrested!”
“And he changed his name!” stated mtoeta.
“He changed his name many times,” confirmed Tyreese. “We know him as Herm, but others have known him as JesusLvr21 AND JesusLvr22.”
“And Regina,” piped in JustJayJ. “Don't forget Regina!”
“Listen,” said Howdy. “Hermie is harmless. He can have as many names as he wants, mmk?”
“I seem to remember a time when you went by the name Precious,” Tyreese said to Howdy.
“Never mind that,” said Howdy, as he quickly gobbled an Egg McMuffin.
“Who has children?” wondered mtoeta.
“Herm has never fit in,” said BuckB. “Each of us have achieved success, fame, and fortune – except for Herm!”
“That's true,” replied JustJayJ. “I am a famous blogger, Howdy owns Hawaiian Airlines, mtoeta is the CEO of Wigs, Weaves, & Beyond, BuckB is the head of programming for Bravo, PhoinixBlue is William Hung's personal stand-in, and Tyreese is the host of Guess My Venereal Disease on the Discovery Health Channel. But what about Herm? He's not famous or successful. She's like a termite that attached himself to us!”
“And it's time we un-attach Herm!” replied Tyreese.
"That sounds exciting," exclaimed JustJayJ. "Count me in!"
"What is the charity?" asked Howdy. "Will there be free food?"
"As you all know, my beautiful daughter Skavery suffers from a rare skin disease," said mtoeta. "I'm very fortunate to have a disease in the family so I don't have to do benefits for homeless people and actually have to touch someone who isn't rich and fabulous like me."
Later, after sending complimentary copies of Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins to the entire membership of Fratpad and Fratmen.TV, Tyreese called his long lost cousin Gayle King, and asked her to make a suggestion for her best friend Oprah's book club...
Meanwhile, when Herm's private investigators didn't turn up any information on his biological father, Herm went one step beyond and hired a team of world-famous Nazi Hunters to find his father.
"If they can find Nazis, surely they can find my father!" reasoned Herm.
But, finding his father wasn't Herm's only goal...
To Be Continued...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
THE FEUD
It was a sunny afternoon in Fratpad when the Housewives gathered to have lunch together. Everyone noticed Howdy's new housedress, which had a trimming effect on his belly.
“Thank you!” exclaimed Howdy. “It's an original from Shim by Sheree!”
“I have news,” announced Herm. “You're all going to HELL!”
“Why does Herm have to be here?” asked Tyreese. “No one likes Herm!”
“No one likes you either,” barked Herm. “But I'm sure they'll love you in HELL!”
“I don't have time for this,” replied Tyreese. “I have a private with Max in a few minutes.”
“That's odd because I have a private with Max in a few minutes,” smiled Herm. “I guess you'll just have to wait.”
Later that day, Howdy and JustJayJ were busy planning a birthday party for their mutual friend, Fratpad_PD.
“Can we get a cake in the shape of a blog?” asked JustJayJ.
“Listen,” said Howdy. “You shut up and let me do the planning, mmk?”
Suddenly, Howdy and JustJayJ heard arguing and went to investigate. Along they way, they stumbled upon motoeta and PhoinixBlue, who was wearing a red lace Gaga mask.
“Come quick!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Herm and Tyreese are fighting over the private with Max!”
“And I look fabulous in my Gaga mask that I personally hand-crafted!” said PhoinixBlue.
As the group turned the corner, they saw BuckB doing her best to keep Tyreese and Herm apart.
“It was MY private I booked it first!” yelled Tyreese.
“Max doesn't want to waste his time with you! Your a sinner doomed to eternal hellfire!” shouted Herm.
“You can't even log in for a private – your BANNED!” screetched Tyreese.
“Your soul is banned from Heaven!” spat Herm.
“Can you bitches puh-leeze stop and give it a rest?” said BuckB, as he kept Herm and Tyreese from scratching each others eyes out.
Later that night, everyone gathered for Fratpad_PD's lavish birthday party, which was hosted by the Housewives.
“I don't know why I'm even here,” stated Herm. “PD is a sinner from the pits of HELL! I am a Christian and should be surrounded by love and light, mmk?”
“It's a party,” JustJayJ reminded Herm. “That means free food and booze!”
“I only drink Holy Water,” replied Herm.
Across the room, Tyreese was bending the ears of Howdy, mtoeta, BuckB, and PhoinixBlue.
“Does anyone else think that there is something diabolical about Herm?” asked Tyreese.
“Hermie is harmless,” answered Howdy. “And she's a hottie!”
“Well,” BuckB chimed in. “Herm does cause a lot of drama in chat.”
“I love drama,” said mtoeta. “Drama is fun!”
“Herm's drama isn't fun!” snapped Tyreese. “It's evil. And it must be stopped!”
“Hey, its getting late!” said Howdy. “Where the hell is PD?”
The next day, all of the Housewives (except Herm) were summoned to lunch with Tyreese.
“What's going on?” asked PhoinixBlue, who was wearing a pair of Bedazzled skinny jeans.
“I did a little digging,” smiled Tyreese. “And you'll never guess what I found?”
“A plastic surgeon?” asked Howdy.
“Shut up, Howdy!” Tyreese snapped as he put a book on the lunch table.
The others gasped as they saw the cover of the book – Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins.
“Oh my, exclaimed BuckB. “Is that real?”
“Yes!” smiled Tyreese. “Oh yes! And wait til you see what Herm has been hiding from us!”
To Be Continued...
“Thank you!” exclaimed Howdy. “It's an original from Shim by Sheree!”
“I have news,” announced Herm. “You're all going to HELL!”
“Why does Herm have to be here?” asked Tyreese. “No one likes Herm!”
“No one likes you either,” barked Herm. “But I'm sure they'll love you in HELL!”
“I don't have time for this,” replied Tyreese. “I have a private with Max in a few minutes.”
“That's odd because I have a private with Max in a few minutes,” smiled Herm. “I guess you'll just have to wait.”
Later that day, Howdy and JustJayJ were busy planning a birthday party for their mutual friend, Fratpad_PD.
“Can we get a cake in the shape of a blog?” asked JustJayJ.
“Listen,” said Howdy. “You shut up and let me do the planning, mmk?”
Suddenly, Howdy and JustJayJ heard arguing and went to investigate. Along they way, they stumbled upon motoeta and PhoinixBlue, who was wearing a red lace Gaga mask.
“Come quick!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Herm and Tyreese are fighting over the private with Max!”
“And I look fabulous in my Gaga mask that I personally hand-crafted!” said PhoinixBlue.
As the group turned the corner, they saw BuckB doing her best to keep Tyreese and Herm apart.
“It was MY private I booked it first!” yelled Tyreese.
“Max doesn't want to waste his time with you! Your a sinner doomed to eternal hellfire!” shouted Herm.
“You can't even log in for a private – your BANNED!” screetched Tyreese.
“Your soul is banned from Heaven!” spat Herm.
“Can you bitches puh-leeze stop and give it a rest?” said BuckB, as he kept Herm and Tyreese from scratching each others eyes out.
Later that night, everyone gathered for Fratpad_PD's lavish birthday party, which was hosted by the Housewives.
“I don't know why I'm even here,” stated Herm. “PD is a sinner from the pits of HELL! I am a Christian and should be surrounded by love and light, mmk?”
“It's a party,” JustJayJ reminded Herm. “That means free food and booze!”
“I only drink Holy Water,” replied Herm.
Across the room, Tyreese was bending the ears of Howdy, mtoeta, BuckB, and PhoinixBlue.
“Does anyone else think that there is something diabolical about Herm?” asked Tyreese.
“Hermie is harmless,” answered Howdy. “And she's a hottie!”
“Well,” BuckB chimed in. “Herm does cause a lot of drama in chat.”
“I love drama,” said mtoeta. “Drama is fun!”
“Herm's drama isn't fun!” snapped Tyreese. “It's evil. And it must be stopped!”
“Hey, its getting late!” said Howdy. “Where the hell is PD?”
The next day, all of the Housewives (except Herm) were summoned to lunch with Tyreese.
“What's going on?” asked PhoinixBlue, who was wearing a pair of Bedazzled skinny jeans.
“I did a little digging,” smiled Tyreese. “And you'll never guess what I found?”
“A plastic surgeon?” asked Howdy.
“Shut up, Howdy!” Tyreese snapped as he put a book on the lunch table.
The others gasped as they saw the cover of the book – Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins.
“Oh my, exclaimed BuckB. “Is that real?”
“Yes!” smiled Tyreese. “Oh yes! And wait til you see what Herm has been hiding from us!”
To Be Continued...
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
MEET THE HOUSEWIVES
mtoeta
"Fratpad is my playground."
For mtoeta, fratpad isn't a place - it is a way of life. Along with chums Howdy, JustJayJ, and BuckB, mtoeta runs the pad as if it was the headquarters of her very own company. And that's just the way moteta likes it!
***
BuckB
"To a certain group of people in fratpad, status is everything."
BuckB has been a fixture at fratpad on and off for four years. She considers herself to be frat royalty, and will do anything - ANYTHING - to climb the social frat ladder.
***
PhoinixBlue
"I run with a fabulous circle of queens."
PhoinixBlue balances a life of a carefree fratpad member along with the stress of being an international superstar - but does it all with style and a smart fashion sense. Phonix is quick to tell all of her fans to "Follow your dreams!"
***
JustJayJ.
"You mess with my fratpad family, you mess with me..."
Funny, dramatic, and painfully loyal to Leo, JustJayJ (JJ to her friends) has been stalking the pad since the day it opened. If you bump into her (probably in a dark alley), be sure to ask her how many days it's been since Diggy left. She'll know...
***
Tyreese
"I'm an independent woman, doin' it for myself."
***
Howdy
"I like making my own pineapple juice, I find that an aphrodisiac."
Howdy is "The Connector" of the pad, meaning that all members who know each other do so through Howdy. Howdy is arguably the most well known member in fratpad's history. And that is not necessarily a good thing.
***
Herm
"You either love me or hate me, there is no in between with me. Did I mention you are all going to HELL???”
Depending on who you ask, Herm is either a gift from God or a punishment from Satan. Herm may be currently banned from the pad, but he is never too far out of the loop...
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