SEASON ONE REUNION!

LIVE! From the ID Lube Arena in beautiful downtown Cyberspace, it's the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF FRATPAD REUNION SHOW!

“Hi, I'm your host, Fratpad Andy,” said Andy and he tried to keep his wonky eye looking forward. “Joining me tonight is the cast of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF FRATPAD.”

“Am I getting paid for this?” asked BuckB. “Because I was told I was going to get paid.”

“Most of this season focused on the bitter feud between Herm and Tyreese,” said Andy. “Check out some of the lost footage between Herm and Tyreese.”

“Herm, Tyreese,” began Andy. “Is there still any animosity between the two of you?”

“I hate that heffer,” said Tyreese. “I don't even want to be in the same room with her.”

“Now Tyreese,” said Andy. “In fairness to Herm, you did try to summon Satan to attack Herm.”

“Okay but that was ONE TIME,” reasoned Tyreese. “What about when Herm stole my scheduled time for my private with Max?”

“Tyreese,” said Herm. “Newsflash: Max hates you. And so does Jesus. Jesus hates you, Tyreese!”

“We'll get back to Herm and Tyreese later,” said Andy. “But now let's talk about the many Housewives who are sashaying into the limelight through music, beauty products, and books.”

“Please buy my book Secrets of a Methodist Mutha,” said Howdy. “I don't care if you read it or not, just buy the damn book.”

“Howdy,” said Andy. “What made you decide to write a book?”

“Well Andy,” said Howdy as she bit into a pineapple. “I answer that question in my book. Go buy it, mmk?”

“BuckB there have been reports that you can't sing,” said Andy. “And that you rely on Auto Tune to do your singing for you.”

“Andy my voice is sweet,” said BuckB. “Sweet like my kisses.”

“PhoinixBlue, your beauty cream caused a panic when it was revealed that your secret ingredient for Tru Re-Doo was poo,” stated Andy. “What do you have to say about that?”

“Recycling is the only way to save the planet,” replied PhoinixBlue.

“Much of the excitement of this season was focused on mtoeta's tireless efforts to organize a fundraiser for her darling daughter Skavery,” said Andy. “mtoeta, you didn't raise much money for the foundation, did you?”

“No, Andy,” replied mtoeta. “I did not. It was difficult to collect money in the middle of a demon resurrection and an attack by an army of cockroaches.”

“Are you trying to blame me for this shit?” asked Hulko44. “Because if you are, bring it! Bring it, bitch!”

“Hulko44, as our newest Housewife, how do you feel about this?” asked Andy.

“How do I feel?” asked Hulko44. “I got five minutes of airtime and now I'm blamed for demons and roaches! Fuck this shit! Y'all can kiss my black ass! I want a raise!”

“If that bitch gets a raise, I want a raise!” stated mtoeta. “I was here first!”

“I want a raise!” said Howdy.

“People love me the most,” said BuckB. “I should get a raise.”

“Hello! I saved the world from Jackon's penis roaches,” declared Herm. “If ANYONE gets a raise, it should be me.”

“Who brings the drama more than me?” asked Tyreese. “I deserve a raise!”

“You don't bring drama,” replied JustJayJ. “You bring crabs and chlamydia!”

“Ladies! Ladies!” yelled Andy. “Stop the madness!”

“On behalf of all of the Housewives, I will be negotiating a new contract with a 20% raise for everyone – of which I will collect an 18% commission!” announced JustJayJ. “No one works until we get our raises! We are on STRIKE!”

“On strike?” asked Andy.

“If you like us then you should have put a raise on us, mmk?” said Howdy.

Suddenly, music filled the room and Howdy burst into song:

“Are you sure about this strike?” asked Andy.

“YES! WE! ARE!” shouted the Housewives.

“Ok,” said Andy. “I'd like you to meet a few of my friends. Say hello to some NEW Housewives!”

"Lindsay Lohan?" asked JustJayJ in disbelief. 

"I need the money!" sneered Lindsay.

“Join us next season to find out who will be in the cast!” announced Andy.

BENEFIT FROM HELL - THE SHOCKING SEASON FINALE!

It was a Who's Who of Fratpad as everyone gathered at the Fratpad Banquet Hall for the Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin's First Annual Charity Benefit. Inside, the Housewives assisted mtoeta with the finishing touches as the crowds began pouring into the hall.

“When do I go on stage to sing?” asked BuckB.

“When do I get to plug Tru Re-Doo?” asked PhoinixBlue, who was wearing a lovely beaded black Gap t-shirt with Banana Republic skinny jeans and Prada boots.

“Bucky, you go on right after Charo,” answered mtoeta. “PhoBlu, you go on after Bucky.”

“Hold up,” said Hulko44. “I'm the party planner. BuckB, you are up first!”

“Thank you!” said BuckB. “Fuck Charo!”

“PhonixBlu, you can go on after BuckB as long as everyone gets a free sample of Tru Re-Doo!” said Hulko44.

“Listen,” said Howdy. “When do I get to go on stage to promote my book Secrets of a Methodist Mutha?”

“I read your book, Howdy,” replied Hulko44. “It sucks.”

“Why are you so quiet tonight, JustJayJ?” asked Herm. “Have you been sinning?”

“No,” said JustJayJ. “Big Whopper dumped me last night.”

“Aww,” said the Housewives in unison.

“It's okay,” replied JustJayJ. “I'll find another rich man to love me and shower me with gifts.”

“Hurry up,” Hulko said to mtoeta. “Go on stage and get the show started!”

mtoeta strutted up onto the stage and signaled for the festivities to begin.

“Ladies, Gentlemen, and Fratmen! Welcome to the First Annual Charity Benefit for the Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin!” announced mtoeta. “Please allow me to introduce my darling daughter, Skavery!”

Skavery came up on stage and joined her mother in the spotlight.

“I would just like to thank everyone for coming out tonight,” said Skavery. “My mother would like all of you to donate to the foundation, and I'm hoping to score some coke and cock tonight. I love all of you and I hate my mother very, very much!”

 “Thank you Skavery!” said mtoeta. “Our first guest will be appearing at the fabulous Flopicana Casino and Resort in Atlantic City next weekend but we have her here first! Please welcome singing sensation BuckB!”

BuckB sashayed onto the stage and took the microphone from mtoeta. Just then, BuckB had a shocking realization – she forgot to bring her AutoTune! Always brave, BuckB sang anyway.

"My ears are bleeding!" screamed Skavery.

"Your face is bleeding, too!" exclaimed Herm.

“Thanks Buck,” said mtoeta. “And now if all of you check your tables, you will find a complimentary jar of Tru Re-Doo beauty cream courtesy of PhoinixBlue!”

Everyone excitedly opened their jars of Tru Re-Doo and began applying the cream to their faces.

“Oh my God!” exclaimed JustJayJ. “This smells like shit!”

“It smells exactly like shit!” said Herm.

Everyone was horrified as they came to a grave realization.

“It IS shit!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!”

“Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!” agreed JustJayJ.

“True Re-Doo is made from poo!” the audience angrily chanted. Tru Re-Doo is made from poo!”

“What can I say?” shrugged PhoinixBlue. “I poop well.”

“This night is a complete disaster!” cried mtoeta.

“At least Tyreese didn't show up!” smiled Herm.

“Greetings, everyone!” said Tyreese as she strolled into the Fratpad Banquet Hall. “I'm here to present a check for $1,000 to the Skavery Foundation!”

“Why thank you, Tyreese!” said mtoeta. “Bless you!”

“I also have a gift for you, Herm!” smiled Tyreese. “Say hello to your father!”

All eyes turned on the man standing next to Tyreese.

“Eek!” screamed Howdy.

“Holy shit!” said BuckB.

“Aye dios mio!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue. “Necesito hacer caca!”

“Daddy!” cried Herm.

“Big Whopper?!?!” exclaimed JustJayJ.

“Hostmaster John is Herm's father?” asked mtoeta in disbelief.

“Hostmaster John is Big Whopper?” asked Howdy in shock.

“Herm, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you while you were growing up,” said Hostmaster John. “And I'm sorry about always banning you from Fratpad. But I'm going to make it up to you.”

“Make it up to him?” asked Tyreese. “What about fucking with his mind? That's why I tracked you down, damnit!”

“Tyreese, you are a shit-fucking skank-whore from Hell!” screamed Herm. "You are EVIL and I am GOOD! Good always defeats evil, mmk?"

"You want evil?" asked Tyreese. "Oh, I'll give you evil!"

Tyreese dropped to her knees (as usual), then held her arms up in the air.

"Evil spirits," Tyreese called.  "I command you to manifest yourselves in the form of the Evil One! Bring me the DEVIL!"

Just then, the lights flickered and a deafening scream filled the Fratpad Banquet Hall as a horrible smell filled the air.

"Jesus take the wheel!" screamed Hulko44.  "Tyreese is calling on the Devil!"

Smoke filled the banquet hall as The Evil One rose out of the ashes and made himself visible for all to see!

"Nooooo!" screamed Howdy.

"Someone save us!" shouted JustJayJ.

"So I'm pretty sure this party officially sucks now," said mtoeta.

"He's here!" smiled Tyreese. "The Evil One!"

"The only thing worse than a demon is a stupid demon," said Tyreese as she shook her head at Fratmen Jackson.  "Now shut up and do something evil to destroy Herm!"

"Ok," said Jackson as he pulled out his small, oddly shaped penis and pulled back his foreskin.  As he did this, millions of cockroaches came running from under the foreskin of his small, oddly shaped penis!

"Oh my God!" screamed PhoinixBlue.  "It's an army of cockroaches! And they are coming from his dick!!"

"Doesn't everyone have roaches living inside their foreskin?" asked Jackson. "Isn't that why they are called cock roaches?"


"Save us Herm!" begged BuckB as a giant roach landed in her wig. "You are our only hope!"

Herm bravely stood before Jackson, with hands raised to the Heavens.

"The power of Herm compels you!" screamed Herm. "The power of Herm compels you!"

"The power of Herm compels you!" the crowd chanted. "The power of Herm compels you."

"You have no power over me," said Jackson. "Because I don't even know what the word compels means!"

"Well, what about this?" asked Herm as he threw a bucket of water on Jackson.

"Oh no!" screamed Jackson.  "I'm melting!"

"Yay!" applauded the crowd. "He's melting!"

As Jackson melted away into nothing, Hostmaster John came forward and shook Herm's hand.

“Herm, I am retiring and moving to Sweden to be closer to the band Abba,” said Hostmaster John. “I'm leaving Fratpad to you to run as you see fit.”

“Daddy!” said Herm as he hugged Hostmaster John.

“Fratpad was supposed to be MINE!” said JustJayJ. “Me and Leo were going to run the entire Fratpad Empire together! What the fuck is this all about?”

“Well Tyreese, you didn't destroy Herm,” said mtoeta. “You only made him stronger!”

“Just wait til next season!” spat Tyreese. “Revenge!”

COMING NEXT WEEK!

THE NEW HOUSEWIFE ON THE BLOCK

It was a sunny day at Fratpad when Tyreese met BuckB and mtoeta for lunch.

“What are you going to do?” asked BuckB. “Are you going to make peace with Herm so he will introduce you to your birth father?”

“Oh hell no!” exclaimed Tyreese. “That skank has nothing on me! I don't believe anything he says!”

“Aren't you a little bit curious if Herm has really found your daddy?” asked mtoeta.

“Don't you worry,” said Tyreese. “I have a big surprise for Herm!”


Meanwhile, Herm was having lunch with JustJayJ, Howdy, and PhoinixBlue.

“Tyreese's days are numbered!” announced Herm. “I'm sending him back to Hell where he came from!”

“Don't let this upset you,” advised JustJayJ. “You'll get wrinkles.”

“Wrinkles vanish with Tru Re-Doo!” stated PhoinixBlue. “It's all natural!”

“Hurry up and pay the check,” said Howdy. “I have to get to a book signing!”

“A book signing?” asked JustJayJ. “You wrote a book?”

“Yes,” said Howdy as he held up a copy of his book, Secrets of a Methodist Mutha by Howdy Ann Manson.

"Eeek!" exclaimed JustJayJ.

“I have to hurry as well,” stated JustJayJ. “I have a hot date!”

“Another one?” asked Howdy. “Is is with who I think it is?”

"Yes,” nodded JustJayJ. “Big Whopper and I are still hot and heavy.”

“I think it's disgusting that you are fornicating with an older weather man!” said Herm. “You're going to HELL!”

"Will you ever reveal Big Whopper's true identity?" asked Howdy.

"Never!" smiled JustJayJ.


Later, mtoeta, BuckB, Howdy, JustJayJ and PhoinixBlue gathered at the Fratpad Banquet Hall to put the finishing touches on the charity benefit for The Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin.

“I hope and pray that Herm and Tyreese don't ruin my darling Skavery's big night!” said mtoeta.

“I have wonderful news,” said PhoinixBlue who was wearing a stylish “I'm Hung Like William Hung” t-shirt. “The warehouse is sending over an extra case of Tru Re-Doo for the benefit!”

“I'll trade you a free copy of Secrets of a Methodist Mutha for some free Tru Re-Doo!” offered Howdy.

“No one wants to read your book, Howdy,” said JustJayJ.

“Check out the reviews on Amazon,” replied Howdy. “They are raving about my book!”

“That's because YOU wrote them!” said BuckB.

“Listen," said Howdy. "They are still raving about me!” said Howdy.

“Calm down girls,” said a voice from the back of the banquet hall. “Hulko44 the Party Planner Extraordinaire is here to save the day!”

“Hulko44 is planning the charity benefit?” gasped JustJayJ.

“She's the Calvin Klein of party planners!” said PhoinixBlue.

“Did you bring free samples?” asked Howdy.

“Where did you come from?” asked mtoeta. “I didn't hire a party planner!”

“Skavery hired me,” said Hulko44. “She said you would screw it up if you did it on your own.”

“My darling Skavery is always thinking ahead!” smiled mtoeta.

“Skavery also said she hates you and hopes you can't make it to the benefit,” said Hulko44. “Now lets plan a party, shall we?”

Later, Tyreese dialed his Boost Mobile prepaid phone.

"Hello, Jackie Collins!” said Tyreese. “I did you a favor and made your book about Herm a best seller. Now I need a favor! I need a favor that will destroy Herm once and for all!”

To be Continued....

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Herm was exhausted as she dragged her ass home after another tiring (yet fulfilling) day of assisting handicapped children. She plopped on her sofa and turned on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Herm was just about to drift off into a cat nap when she heard the comforting voice of Oprah coming from her television.

“Coming up, JACKIE COLLINS tells all about her latest book, our newest OPRAH BOOK CLUB SELECTION! Rush out and buy BANNED! THE UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF HERM BY JACKIE COLLINS!”

Herm bolted from the sofa.

“Nooooooo!” he exclaimed.


Meanwhile, the other Housewives were busy helping mtoeta organize a lavish charity benefit at the Fratpad banquet hall.

“Thank you all so much for your time, effort, and generosity,” said mtoeta, wiping away a tear. “I can't tell how much this means to me and to my darling little Skavery. The Skavery Foundation for People with Horrible Skin is going to make a lot of money thanks to all of you!”

“I'd like to add something wonderful to the benefit,” said PhoinixBlue, who was wearing fuchsia Prada jogging suit.

“What is it, PhoBlu?” asked JustJayJ.

“I'm donating a case of my new all-natural beauty product, Tru Re-Doo!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue. “The actual retail value is $1,000, but for you and Skavery, it's a free donation from me!”

“Thank you!” said mtoeta.

“Do we get to try it out?” asked Howdy. “I want some Tru Re-Doo, mmk?”

"Check it out on HSN, honey," said PhoinixBlue.

“Not to be out-done, I'd like to donate an autographed advance copy of my brand new CD!” said BuckB.

“A CD?” asked JustJayJ. “When did you start singing?”

“When I found out someone would pay me to sing!” answered BuckB.

“I'm donating copies of Banned! The Unauthorized Biography of Herm by Jackie Collins,” said Tyreese.

“Can someone please donate tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert?” asked a voice from around the corner of the banquet hall.

“Skavery!” beamed mtoeta. “Doesn't my baby look stunning?”

After the other Housewives gagged, vomited, and covered their eyes in fear, they reluctantly told mtoeta that Skavery was indeed stunning.

“What did you do after school today, Skavery?” asked mtoeta.

“I did a few lines of cocaine with Lindsay Lohan and the fat kid from Two and a Half Men,” answered Skavery. “Can I have a car?”

“Of course you can!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Howdy, here's my Amex! Can you please take Skavery out to pick up a car?”

“Come on, Skavery,” said Howdy. “Let's stop at Jack in the Box on they way to get your car!”

“Ok, Auntie Howdy!” said Skavery.

“Bye Sweetie!” exclaimed mtoeta. “Love you!”

“Bye Mommy,” said Skavery. “I hate you and everything you stand for!”

After Howdy and Skavery left, the remaining Housewives continued to work on the plans for the benefit.

“We need more donations!” said JustJayJ.

“Maybe Tyreese can donate her SOUL!” shrieked Herm as she entered the banquet hall. “Oh excuse me, you don't HAVE a soul do you?”

“Hi Herm,” smiled Tyreese. “Read any good books lately?”

“I'm not going to have the two of you ruining my Skavery's wonderful charity benefit!” growled mtoeta.

“Don't worry about me,” said Tyreese. “I'm a good girl.”

“You are a sinner who is doomed to eternal hellfire!” Herm shot back.

“Can't we all just get along?” asked JustJayJ.

“NO!” answered Herm. “Tyreese, admit that you dug up that book about me and spread it all over Fratpad!”

“I admit nothing,” smiled Tyreese.

“You dug up that book and gave it to Oprah!” screamed Herm. “It's her new book club selection!”

“I wonder if Oprah will come to my darling Skavery's charity benefit?” asked mtoeta.

"Tyreese, I'm warning you!” said Herm. “Call off this book business or else!”

“Or else what?” asked Tyreese. “You have no power over me! I'm an independent woman, and I'm doin' it for myself!”

“I've searched high and low for my birth father,” said Herm. “And I've yet to find him. BUT, I did find someone else!”

“Who?” aske PhoinixBlue.

“I found Tyreese's birth father!” said Herm as the Housewives gasped.

“That's not true!” said Tyreese. “My father was a mailman who left me in a mailbox when I was a baby! He couldn't properly take care of me because he had to sort the letters without ZIP codes! Why can't people use ZIP codes?”

“That was a lie the postmaster told you,” said Herm. “I found your father! And if you want to see him, you'll have to start playing by my rules, mmk?”

To Be Continued