THE SCANDALOUS SEASON 2 REUNION

The Housewives gathered at the Homo Clubhouse for the much-anticipated reunion special, hosted by Fratpad Andy.

 “Welcome to the Real Housewives of Fratpad Reunion,” smiled Fratpad Andy.  “Joining us tonight are the stars of the Real Housewives of Fratpad: BuckB, Howdy, Hulko44, mtoeta, PhoinixBlue, Tyreese, Psydekick, and ShaunnyShaun.”

“Hi Andy!” chirped the Housewives.

“Much of this season focused on the star-crossed love affair between Howdy and Taylor,” explained Andy.  “Howdy, have you heard from Taylor since filming ended?”

“Andy, that is answered in my new book, For the Love of Howdy, coming out soon in paperback,” stated Howdy.

“Do you plan on seeing Taylor again?” asked Andy.

“Funny you should ask,” said Howdy. “Because I touch on that subject in my new DVD,  Skinny Pineapple Cooking Made Easy with Howdy.”

“Howdy, you spent time in Fratpad Jail for kidnapping JustJayJ,” stated Andy.  “Any thoughts on that?”

“Andy that’s addressed in my eight week webinar class Howdy Do It,” said Howdy. "Sign up today at www.howdy.com!"

“Moving right along, another love story this year was between mtoeta and Hulko44,” smiled Andy.  “How are the wedding plans coming along?”

“Andy I do not speak to that creature,” sniffed Hulko. “And she knows why.”

“And I don’t speak or think of that trollop,” snorted mtoeta.

“I’m shocked to learn of this feud,” frowned Andy as he sipped on his gin and juice.

“It’s not a feud,” explained mtoeta. “It’s a war!”

“Hulko,” said Andy. “What do you say to this?”

“I say that I could find more comfort from a toothless street whore than I ever could from this dried up, bagged up, skanked out piece of garbage!” sneered Hulko as she pointed a finger at mtoeta.

 

“Don’t make me take this to the streets,” shot back mtoeta. “You are a straight up hussy!”

A frightened Andy quickly changed the subject.

“This season brought two new Housewives into the fray,” stated Andy.  “Let’s get some input from Psydekick and ShaunnyShaun!”

 “Andy I would like to go on record to say that I have never backstabbed or lied to anyone,” said Psydekick. “I’ve always been honest and loyal to all the Housewives.”

“What is this, the last episode of Survivor were you beg the jury for cash?” asked Tyreese.  “This is The Real Housewives of Fratpad, dammit! We are supposed to backstab and be dis-loyal, mmk?”

“I just wanted to go on record,” smiled Psydekick as she popped a Valium.

“Shaunny, you’ve achieved success overseas with your new CD,” smiled Andy.

 “Yes, and I’d love to sing tonight,” nodded Shaunny.

“Excuse me,” interrupted BuckB. “Andy, I’ve heard this person sing. And this person cannot sing. I am a singer. I entertain. This person makes noise, and it does not sound good.”

“You’re jealous,” taunted Shaunny. “I have a hit CD and you sing tired old songs on YouTube.”

“Shaunny you can’t sing, and you’re not talented, and you sound as trashy as you look,” said BuckB as she folded her arms. 

“I sound better than you!” Shaunny shot back.

“I’d like to see you try to sound better than me!” said BuckB. “I’d like to see you try!”

“Well then,” said Andy. “Let’s have a sing-off!”

“A sing off!” agreed the Housewives.

“I think instead of a sing-off, we should have a Gaga-off!” suggested Hulko.

“Yes, a Gaga-off!” agreed Tyreese. “Who will sing the best Gaga song? And PhoinxBlue can judge!”

“Am I even on this show anymore?” asked PhoBlu. “Because I think I had like one line during the entire season.”

Just then, the Fratpad Band began to play, and the Gaga-Off began.

“And the winner is…” said Andy as he motioned to PhoinixBlue.

 “The winner is me!” stated PhoinixBlue. “I’m far more talented than either of those wenches.”

Andy thought it best to change the subject.

“Last but not least,” smiled Andy. “Is our friend Tyreese.”

 “Hello Andy!” smiled Tyreese.

“Tyreese, you and Herm continued your battle, even with Herm moving away from Cyberspace!” said Andy.  “What gives?”

“Herm is the devil,” explained Tyreese. “And I battle the devil in the name of good.”

“Much was said about your YouTube videos about being systematically buried,” said Andy. “Do you really feel that you were a victim?”

“Andy everyone knows Herm will do anything to destroy me,” sighed Tyreese. “But on behalf of all the victims of the world, I shall rise up and defeat Herm!”

“One last question,” said Andy. “mtoeta, Hulko44 – what caused the two of you to end your relationship?”

“That’s what I’d like to know,” said Hulko. “Everything was fine. We were jumping in the Lady Pond! We were frolicking in that pond! Then mtoeta dumped me. Just like that! Out of nowhere!”

“And you have no idea why?” asked Andy.

“Not a clue” frowned Hulko.

“Hulko,” snorted mtoeta. “Let me explain this to you in words that you might be able to understand!”

 

“Oh shit!” said Tyreese.

“Hulko, you have done me wrong!” said mtoeta as she ripped off her eyelashes and handed them to Andy.

“Oh shit!” said Howdy.

“I have given you everything!” mtoeta said to Hulko as Andy tried to re-apply Toe’s eyelash on his eyelid. “I have groveled! I have taken your orders! I have given you love and understanding! I even paid for your vaginal rejuvenation! And none of it satisfied you! None of it!”

“I was kind of hoping for a new car,” explained Hulko.

“The final straw was when you called to tell me that our engagement was over because you had found a younger Housewife!” cried mtoeta.

“Oh, that’s what you’re mad about?” shrugged Hulko.  “Who knew?”

“Can I ask who the new, younger Housewife is?” asked Andy.

“Andy that would be me,” smiled PhoinixBlue. “I’m Hulko’s new lover.”

“How did that come about?” asked Andy.

“I wasn’t really doing anything or anyone else,” explained PhoinixBlue.

“mtoeta, is there any chance of a reconciliation with Hulko?” asked Andy.

“I wouldn’t touch that trashcrotch for all the money in Hostmaster John’s Swiss bank account!” replied mtoeta.

“Thank you all for joining us,” smiled Andy.  “And watch for Season Three of The Real Housewives of Fratpad – coming this Spring!”

EXPLOSIVE SEASON FINALE!

Weeks passed since the almost-wedding of Howdy and Taylor. A despondent Howdy had eaten over seventy five Boston cream pies. “Missing” signs bearing the photo of Taylor were hanging all over Cyberspace. The housewives gathered at Howdy's house to offer support.

“This is awful,” fretted mtoeta. “Where could Taylor be?”

“He seemed so happy,” said Hulko. “So much in love!”

“This is a lesson for all of us,” said Psydekick.

“What's the lesson?” asked BuckB.

“If you can't love the one you love; love Howdy,” replied Psydekick.

“If Taylor doesn't come back by tomorrow, I'm going to call Patti to find Howdy another date,” said PhoinixBlue.

“I don't want another date,” said Howdy. “I want my Tay-Tay!”

“Aww Howdy,” said ShaunnyShaun. “Want some pot pie?”

“Yes,” replied Howdy. “Two pot pies, please.”

“Well,” said BuckB. “Here's something to cheer up everyone – I've just finished taping a TV commercial for Herm's anal bleaching salon!”

“That's nice, now go find my Tay-Tay,” said Howdy as she shoveled pot pie into her mouth.

“Great news!” exclaimed Psydekick.

“What is it?” asked ShaunnyShaun. “Did you find Taylor?”

“No, but I've just hired a wonderful psychic!” said Psydekick. “She'll tell us where Taylor is!”

“Then Taylor and I can get married!” said Howdy.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Psydekick opened the door.

“Hey everyone!” exclaimed Psydekick. “It's Allison! She's a world-famous psychic!”

“I'm not a pyshic, you washed up skank,” spat Allison as she sucked on her electronic cigarette. “I'm a fucking medium and don't forget it!”

“Allison where is Taylor?” asked Howdy.

“I don't know,” barked Allison. “But I know that you are fat!”

“You are a mean woman!” exclaimed ShaunnyShaun.

“And I know when you are going to die!' shreiked Allison as she exhaled electronic smoke into Shaunny's face.

“You are a horrible person!” exclaimed Hulko.

“I am amazing and you are nothing,” smirked Allison. “I inspired a television show!”

“A canceled television show!” Shaunny piped up.

“You're nothing,” said Allison. “You've done nothing. I've had books written about me and by me. I have a television show based on my life.”

“A canceled television show,” nodded Shaunny.

“Listen,” said Howdy. “I just want to find Taylor!”

“He's not dead, that's for sure,” said Allison. “I would know because I talk to dead people. And I'm amazing.”

“If I was dead, I would so not talk to you,” said mtoeta.

“Taylor has to come home before the baby is born!” cried Howdy.

“Baby?” exclaimed mtoeta. “What baby?”

“Taylor and I are expecting,” said Howdy.

“How far along are you?” asked ShaunnyShaun.

“Only about five weeks,” said Howdy. “But the doctor said the baby weighs 17 pounds.”

“Seventeen pounds?” asked Psydekick.

“Yes,” nodded Howdy. “The doctor is going to induce labor in about an hour.”

“Induce labor?” asked mtoeta. “On a five week fetus that weights seventeen pounds? What are you having? An alien?”

“Listen,” said Howdy. “I don't like you saying this baby is an alien. Mmmm hmmm!”

“Hey, where is Tyreese?” asked Hulko.

“I haven't seen Tyreese since the wedding!” said PhoinixBlue.

“Tyreese stole Taylor!” said Howdy.

Just then, the door opened and Tyreese, covered in dirt, dragged herself inside.

“What the hell happened to you?” asked ShaunnyShaun.

“Herm buried me alive!” cried Tyreese. “I had to dig myself out!”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Psydekick.

“I am the victim of systematic burying!” cried Tyreese. “I have to go make a YouTube video to hep the other victims! Systematic burying is my new platform!”

“Allison,” shreiked Howdy. “Do you know where Tay-Tay is? Yes or no!”

“I don't need to know about Taylor,” replied Allison as she sipped from an over-sized electronic margarita glass. “I'm amazing, and you're nothing!”

“You are sooo not amazing,” replied PhoinixBlue.

“I have a television show based on my life,” explained Allison.

“A canceled television show,” replied the housewives.

“There will be a knock at the door,” said Allison. “Taylor is on the way!”

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Howdy jumped up and opened the door!

“That's the wrong Taylor!” screamed Howdy. “That's Taylor from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!”

"Well if you are not looking for me, what about my friend?" asked Taylor ask opened the door to let in Adrienne Maloof.

“I don't know who Fratmen Taylor is,” said Adrienne. “I've been so busy with the luxurious Palms Casino in the heart of Las Vegas as well as the exciting Sacramento Kings, that I actually forgot all about Taylor Armstrong as well!”

“I'm looking for Fratmen Taylor, not Fish Lips Taylor,” explained Howdy.

“Well, you can be sure that if I see Fratmen Taylor gambling in the fabulous and exotic Palms Casino located in beautiful Las Vegas, I will be sure to tell him you are looking for him!” said Adrienne.   

Suddenly, there was another knock at the door. Howdy grabbed one last mouthful of pot pie before she opened the door.

“TAYLOR!” Howdy screamed in joy.

“Hi honey,” said Taylor.

“Where have you been?” asked Howdy. “We were supposed to get married!”

“Oh yeah,” said Taylor. “About that...”

“What's wrong?” asked Howdy.

“I forget to mention one teeny thing,” admitted Taylor. “I'm already married.”

“Already married?” exclaimed Howdy. “Married to who?”

 "Hello Howdy!" said pochaco.

“Guess what Howdy,” smiled pochaco. “Taylor is married to me!”

“Urgggg!” screamed Howdy. “The baby! The baby is coming!”

Just then, a full size pineapple popped out of Howdy's ass and landed in Allison's lap.

“I knew that was going to happen!” Allison said. “I'm amazing and this pineapple is not a baby!”

“Howdy, you weren't pregnant,” said Taylor. “You simply swallowed a whole pineapple.”

“When will I learn to chew?” smiled Howdy. “Now when are you going to divorce pochaco and marry me?”

Just then, somewhere on a chicken farm in Hawaii, the sound of keys on a laptop clicked away.

“Faster!” shouted Howdy. “Type faster!”

“I'm going as fast as I can!” cried JustJayJ. “Please, let me go! I'm tired and hungry!”

“No one is going home until you write the next episode of The Real Housewives of Howdy, Mister Man!” said Howdy.

“It's The Real Hosuewives of Fratpad,” corrected JustJayJ.

“I forgot to mention that,” said Howdy. “You are changing the title!”

“Howdy!” yelled JustJayJ. “You have held me hostage for months, forcing me to write this nonsense about you and Taylor getting married! The entire season has been about you! Skavery didn't have one line!”

“Next scene,” ordered Howdy. “Hulko and mtoeta run off and join Lilith Fair! More screen time for me!”

“Someone has to save me!” pleaded JustJayJ as Howdy continued to “ghostwrite” the show.

As Howdy turned away to pop another pot pie in the oven, JustJayJ typed a note that said “HELP ME, I'M TRAPPED IN HAWAII WITH HOWDY! LOVE ALWAYS, JJJ. PS: TELL LEO I SAID HE IS THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS, AND THE KING OF ALL DIGITAL MEDIA."

JustJayJ whistled, and the chicken he trained to be a homing pigeon flew up on his shoulder. The chicken took the note and flew back to the mainland.

Later that day, in the law offices of Ms. Gloria Allred, Brandon2010 was pleading his case.

“You have to take my case, Ms. Allred!” begged Brandon2010. “I have to get un-banned from fratpad!”

“I'm sorry but I only take cases that make me more famous,” explained Gloria Allred.

“A former fratmen is about to be on MTV's The Real World!” said Brandon2010.

“Ok,” said Gloria Allred. “Call CNN, we have a deal.”

At that very moment, a chicken flew through the window of the office and landed on Brandon2010's shoulder. Brandon took the note from the chicken's mouth and gasped.

“Gloria Allred,” said Brandon. “You are about to become more famous that you have ever dreamed!”

Meanwhile, back at the chicken farm, Howdy was dictating story-lines to JustJayJ for the third season of The Real Housewives of Fratpad.

“And then, after Howdy becomes President....” began Howdy.

“Oh Howdy!” pleaded JustJayJ. “Just let me go home already!”

Suddenly, the deafening sound of a low-flying helicopter was heard overheard.

“Surrender Howdy!” yelled Brandon2010 into a megaphone from the helicopter. “You are surrounded!”

“You'll never take me alive!” screamed Howdy. “Or you'll never take me with a full stomach!”

The front door busted in just as a window shattered. JustJayJ stared in disbelief as he saw his rescuers: Blip and Fratmen Leo!

“Blip finally got a line!” smiled Blip.

“Come on Howdy,” said Fratmen Leo.

“It wasn't me, Leo!” cried Howdy. “It was... umm... it was... Buttman! Yeah, Buttman did this!”

Leo slapped a pair of handcuffs around Howdy's chubby wrists as he took him away.

After everyone cleared out, JustJayJ breathed a sigh of relief.

Just as he was about to leave, someone entered the chicken farm.

"Hi JustJayJ. It's me, Kyle. I'm taking you to rehab! It's for your own good!” 

“Noooooo” cried JustJayJ.

TO BE CONTINUED...NEST SEASON!

"HOWDY EVER AFTER"

Everyone at Fratpad was buzzing with the news of Taylor and Howdy's wedding. The Fratpad Chapel was filled with flowers and pineapples. The entire cast of fratpad - clad in matching tuxedos - turned up at the chapel to act as ushers. Even Max returned to Fratpad to be Taylor's best man.

“Taylor,” said Max. “I have to ask you. Why Howdy? Why would you want to marry Howdy?”

“Max, it's quite simple,” explained Taylor. “It's been a year and a half since I left fratpad. In those long, cold eighteen months, Howdy has kept me front and center; day and night, each and every day.”

“Wow,” said Max. “I guess you are right about that.”

“I love all the Knights,” said Taylor. “They all have a place in my heart. But Howdy has never forgotten me. She keeps me in her heart and in her mind every day. Members who joined after I left know all about me, and that's because of Howdy!”

“But Taylor,” said Max. “It's HOWDY!”

“Yes,” smiled Taylor. “MY Howdy!”

Meanwhile, Howdy was putting on her wedding gown, with the help of her maid of honor, PhoinixBlue, and bridesmaids Psydekick and mtoeta.

“This is the happiest day of my life!” exclaimed Howdy.

“Of course it is,” said PhoinixBlue. “I saw the wedding cake. It's huge!”

“No, not because of the cake,” said Howdy. “Today, I get to marry the man I love, and my best friend, and my King - all wrapped into one wonderful person. I'm going to marry Taylor, and this is the happiest day of my life!”

“Don't remind me,” frowned mtoeta.

“What?” asked Howdy.

“I said 'Look behind me!'” said mtoeta as he pointed to the door. “JJ and Herm are here!”

“Congratulations, Howdy!” said Herm and JustJayJ. “We couldn't miss your wedding!”

“Aww thank you!” said Howdy, as she blushed. “Did you bring gifts?”

“Of course!” exclaimed JustJayJ. “I got you and Taylor a free, three day trial membership for EbonyU! Don't forget, it will automatically renew at the regular price of $26.95 per month after the trial expires! All major credit cards are excepted at EbonyU, where your darkest desires come true!”

“And I got you and Taylor a free His-and-Hers anal bleaching at the Forever Pink Salon,” said Herm.

Just then, the door swung open and a chill filled the air as Tyreese slid into the room.

“What is SHE doing here?” asked Tyreese as she pointed at Herm.

“I was hoping I'd run into you,” spat Herm.

“No!” said Howdy. “No fighting at my wedding! Not on my wedding day! I'm marrying Taylor! This is my big day! I want to get a spin-off show out of this! This is all about me!”

“Sorry Howdy,” said Herm. “This is going down!”

“Bring it, you butt-bleaching bitch!” said Tyreese.

“Stop it!” screamed Howdy. “You are going to ruin my wedding! I need to sell the wedding photos to People and US Weekly! I need to get my spin-off show! I'm learning to ice skate, damnit! Stop the madness!”

"Oh don't bother with the skating," advised JustJayJ. "Johnny Weir would have a field day with you!"

Just then, the door opened, and ShaunnyShaun and Hulko ran inside the room.

“It's time!” said ShaunnyShaun.

“Hurry or you will be late!” said Hulko.

“Where's Bucky,” asked Howdy as she put on her veil.

“Buck is at the front of the church,” said Hulko. “She's going to sing!”

“Oh, shit!” said Howdy.

"Bucky!" snapped PhoinixBlue. "You were supposed to sing a wedding song, not that shit!"

"That's not shit," snapped BuckB. "That's my latest hit!"

"Are you blooping me?" asked BuckB.

"I'll bloop who I want to bloop, trashbox!" snipped mtoeta.

"Bucky, Toe-Toe!" whispered Hulko. "Shhhh!"

Howdy proudly strolled down the aisle accompanied by PhoinixBlue, mtoeta, and Psydekick. For one moment, all of fratpad joined together to celebrate the love of Howdy and Taylor. Even Herm and Tyreese stopped fighting and shed a tear. Howdy reached the altar of the chapel, as Hostmaster John stood before her, ready to officiate the ceremony. Howdy looked around and frowned.

“Where is Taylor?” asked Howdy.

“I thought he was with you,” said Max, as he held the rings.

“Where is Taylor?” asked Howdy again.

The guests began looking around. Taylor was no where to be found.

“It worked,” whispered ShaunnyShaun to Tyreese. “Your plan worked!”

“It wasn't me,” admitted Tyreese. “I ran out of ideas! I thought it was you who stopped the wedding!”

At the altar, PhoinixBlue whipspered to mtoeta, “How did you manage to stop the wedding?”

“I have no idea,” said mtoeta. “I thought you did it!”

Suddenly, everyone began to realize that something was very wrong. Taylor was gone, and no one knew why.

“Where is Taylor?” asked Howdy again, as she looked from side to side, and up and down.

TO BE CONTINUED.

"LOVE IS IN THE AIR"

The Housewives gathered at Tyreese's house for a dinner party to celebrate Tyreese's 40^th birthday.

“Oh Tyreese,” said ShaunnyShaun. “You don't look a day over thirty nine!”

“Why thank you,” said Tyreese. “Where's my gift?”

“Can we cut the cake now?” asked Howdy.

“No!” said Tyreese. “I have to share my fabulous news with everyone first!”

“Fabulous news?” asked PhoinixBlue. “Is Herm coming back?”

“That's not funny,” said Tyreese. “My fabulous news is that I've just gotten my latest IQ test results and it is official: I'm the smartest housewife in Fratpad!”

“Congratulations,” said ShaunnyShaun. “Now can we have some cake?”

“Wait a second, please,” asked mtoeta. “Hulko and I have news for everyone, too!”

“Keep it to yourselves” said Tyreese. “This is my party, I prefer to keep the news about me.”

“We've kept it to ourselves for a while,” said Hulko.

“But now we've agreed it's time to share with our friends,” said mtoeta.

“mtoeta and I share the love that dare not speak it's name!” explained Hulko.

“Huh?” asked PhoinixBlue.

“What she say?” asked Tyreese.

“Gurl,” snapped ShaunnyShaun. “Hulko and mtoeta jumped in the lady pond!”

“Pond?” asked Psydekick.

“Yes!” said Howdy. “They are lesbians for each other, mmk?”

“Congratulations!” said the houseives in unison.

“This is so touching,” wept PhoinixBlue. “It makes me want to watch The Ellen Show!”

“Good luck with your carpet munching, lets eat cake now,” said ShaunnyShaun.

“Before we cut the cake,” said Howdy. “I have news to share, as well!”

“Oh come the fuck on!!!” said Tyreese. “This is my damn party!”

“What news?” asked Psydekick.

“Is it about your date?” asked BuckB. “How did it go?”

“I fell in love,” said Howdy as she smiled sweetly.

“Love?” asked BuckB. “With who?”

“Come on in, honey,” said Howdy, as she opened the door.

The Housewives gasped as Taylor walked in and swept Howdy off her feet.

“Howdy Ann Manson,” said Taylor. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes!” exclaimed Howdy. “Oh, yes!”

The next day, PhoinixBlue and BuckB met Hulko and mtoeta for lunch.

“I admit it,” said PhoinixBlue. “I'm jealous.”

“Well its all your fault!” said BuckB. “You hired Patti Stanger for Howdy!”

“Phoinix do me a favor,” asked mtoeta. “Hire Patti for me! Maybe she'll hook me up with Trent!”

“Trent!” exclaimed Hulko. “What about me?”

“Oh, sweetie-pie, angel-vag,” said mtoeta. “You always come first to me! We can share Trent!”

“Oh, I like that!” said Hulko as she kissed mtoeta.

“Eek!” said PhoinixBlue. “I feel like I'm watching Cinemax!”

“Can we get back on topic?” asked BuckB. “What about Howdy and Taylor? They can't get married! That's just insane!”

“Let's break them up!” suggested mtoeta.

“Break them up?” asked PhoinixBlue. “Howdy would never forgive us!”

“Actually,” pondered Hulko. “It would create drama, and Howdy loves drama!”

“Let's do it!” agreed the Housewives.

Meanwhile, Tyreese, ShaunnyShaun, and Psydekick were plotting.

“This wedding cannot take place!” said Tyreese. “If anyone marries a fratmen, it will be me!”

“Why you?” asked Psydekick. “Why not me? I've loved Taylor for years!”

“Me too!” said ShaunnyShaun. “He was my first FratLove!”

“How can we stop it?” asked Tyreese.

“We have to think of a way to make Taylor not love Howdy!” suggested ShaunnyShaun.

“Umm, Taylor is studying to be an optometrist, right?” asked Pysdekick.

“Yes,” answered Tyreese.

“So he should be able to SEE Howdy!” replied Psydekick. “I don't understand why he still wants to be with her!”

“I will stop this wedding if it's the last thing I do!” exclaimed Tyreese.

Just then the mailman arrived.

“Hey look!” exclaimed Tyreese. We all have mail!”

Tyreese, ShaunnyShaun, and Psydekick opened their envelopes and gasped.

“It's an invitation to Howdy and Taylor's wedding!” screamed ShaunnyShaun.

“The wedding is tomorrow!” screamed Psydekick.

“Over my dead body!” said Tyreese.

TO BE CONTINUED...

"THE DATE"

Hulko44 and mtoeta sat in a restaurant in sunny downtown Cyberspace waiting for Howdy to join them.

“Howdy said she has big news!” exclaimed Hulko. “What do you think it is?”

“I think she called 1-800 JENNY is going to start a brand new life!” said mtoeta.

“No way,” said Psydekick as she and ShaunnyShaun joined them at the table. “I think its bigger than that!”

“I hope it's good news,” said ShaunnyShaun as she scanned the menu.

“Wow, it looks like everyone is here,” said PhoinixBlue as she joined the others at the table along with BuckB and Tyreese.”

“Typical Howdy,” said Tyreese. “She's always late.”

“Can we order without her,” asked BuckB. “I need to keep up my engergy before I go on go on tour.”

“On tour?” asked Psydekick.

“Yes,” smiled BuckB. “I'm the opening act on the Kandi Koated Katastrophe World Tour!”

Finally, Howdy arrived and joined the others at the table.

“Ladies,” said Howdy. “I admit that it's been a while since I was in a relationship. And, I'm started to get lonely.”

“Awww,” said the housewives in unison.


“It's not that I don't love all of you,” explained Howdy. “But a woman has certain needs.”

“Of course,” said PhoinixBlue. “We all have needs.”

“Listen,” said Howdy. “My needs are big. Huge. Gigantic.”

“How gigantic?” asked Hulko.

“I want you all to chip in and hire a matchmaker to find me a date,” said Howdy.

“You want us to pay for it?” said ShaunnyShaun as she spit out her Diet Fresca.

“Sponsorships, please,” smiled Howdy.

“I gave at the office,” explained Hulko.

“I'm still paying for Skavery's rehab,” shrugged mtoeta.

“Can we order now?” asked ShaunnyShaun.

“Howdy,” said PhoinixBlue. “I believe in love. I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. And I believe you need a date. I will pay for your matchmaker, Howdy!”

“Nix!” exclaimed Howdy. “I love you!”

“Awww,” exclaimed the housewives in unision.

Later that day, Howdy met Patti, the matchmaker, and her assistants, Destin and Rachel.

“Tell me about yourself,” smiled Patti.

“Listen,” said Howdy. “I need a man!”

“Can you be more specific?” asked Destin.

“We need as much information as possible,” stated Rachel. “From what I can see, your needs are rather... large.”

“Can I just say how creepy the two of you look?” said Howdy to Destin and Rachel. “I mean, are you husband and wife, or brother and sister, or the same person? You look too much like each other to be real!”

“Howdy, what kind of man are you looking for?” asked Patti.

“He has to be hot,” explained Howdy. “And he has to love me for who I am. And he has to be rich. And he has to be able to cook.”

Hours later, Howdy was whisked to a chic cocktail lounge in Cyberspace where she met with Patti, Destin, and Rachel.

“Howdy!” screamed Patti. “I told you not to wear a coconut bra! This is why you're single! You don't listen!”

“Now she's pissed off,” said Rachel.

“She's really pissed off,” agreed Destin.

“I've picked three bachelors for you to meet,” explained Patti. “You'll have a mini date with each of them, then select one to go a real date with. And you can only have two drinks!”

“Drinks?” shrugged Howdy. “Who cares? I want to know how many plates of food I can eat!”

“First up is Grandpa Tater,” said Rachel as she escorted the first bachelor to meet Howdy.

“Grandpa??” asked Howdy as she stared at his first bachelor.

“No way,” said Howdy. “NEXT!”

“Howdy, meet Matt. He owns a diet cookie company,” said Destin.

“Good lord,” said Matt. “Howdy is so sophomoric and assinine. And she's far too old for me!”

“NEXT!” yelled Howdy as he threw a drink a Matt.

“Howdy, this is your last bachelor,” warned Patti. “This is sink or swim!”

“This is a disaster!” yelled Howdy. “How can you call yourself a matchmaker? I hate you, Patti Stanger and your Goth/Emo/Scene assistants, too! I don't want a date! I don't want a relationship! I'm happy being at Fratpad with my friends who love me and don't judge me! Okay they judge me but they are my friends! Fuck you, Patti Stanger!”

“Howdy,” said the third bachelor. “I'm so happy to see you again.”

“Again?” asked Howdy as she turned around to see...

TO BE CONTINUED...

SEASON PREMIERE: "STRIKE OUT"

A dense fog fell over Fratpad as the Original Housewives continued their strike for higher wages. It was cold and damp on the picket line, but the Wives were not giving up.

“More money for Howdy!” chanted Howdy, as she bit into a cheeseburger.

“Fair wages for all,” yelled JustJayJ.

“Thicker, stronger, more absorbent bathroom tissue in 2011!” screamed PhoinixBlue.

Meanwhile, the New Housewives were settling into the roles. Psydekick had just called a meeting with the new cast to go over their responsibilities.

“May I have your attention, please?” asked Psydekick, as she adjusted her wig. “We have a lot to go over!”

“I have a question,” stated Louis_MI. “Will I be able to go over the technical aspects of the cameras to ensure that I look my best in High Definition resolution?”

“I miss Dallas,” said Christian1989. “I really miss him a lot.”

“Hey,” ShaunnyShaun chimed in. “Where is Brandon2010? And Lindsay Lohan? Where is she?”

“I have some bad news,” said Psydekick. “Lindsay Lohan is in rehab with Skavery, the shockingly horrific daughter of mtoeta, and Brandon has been banned!”

“Banned!” gasped Louis, Christian, and Shaunny. “Why?”

“For reasons known to her!” explained Psydekick.

“I don't want to do this show if Lindsay Lohan isn't going to be in it,” said Louis_MI. “I was hoping to do an age-inappropriate lesbian love scene with her!”

“I miss Lindsay Lohan,” said Christian1989. “I miss her a lot.”

“Housewives! Don't let this get us down,” encouraged Psydekick. “We can still make this the best season of The Real Housewives of Fratpad!”

“How can we do that?” asked ShaunnyShaun.

“We have to get Howdy, JJ, mtoeta, Hulko, and the others back!” said Pysdekick.

Later that evening, Hulko44, PhoinixBlue and BuckB were waiting for Howdy and Herm to relieve them on the picket line.

“Hulko, I'm about to fall asleep!” exclaimed BuckB. “I've been holding this picket sign for ten hours!”

“Me too,” replied Hulko.

“Howdy was supposed to be here hours ago to relieve us!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue.

“I'm so sleepy,” said BuckB as she laid down on the grass.

“I don't think anyone will notice if we take a nap,” said Hulko, as she and PhoinixBlue joined Buck in taking a nap.

Just then, Howdy arrived with her picket sign and box lunch. She started walking on the picket line when she heard a sound coming from the forest.

“Howdy..... Howdy.....” said the voice.

“Who is there?” asked Howdy, but she got no answer.

“Howdy, come here.....” said the voice from the forest.

“I recognize that voice,” smiled Howdy. “You're the drive-through cashier at McDonalds! Can I have a Number Two?”

“Number two?” said PhoinixBlue, as she awoke. “I need to go number two.”

“Listen,” said Howdy. “I'm talking to the McDonald's drive-through in the forest!”

Suddenly, Psydekick and ShaunnyShaun appeared from the forest.

“Hi ladies,” said Psydekick. “We want to make you an offer you can't refuse!”

“Will I get a raise?” asked Howdy.

“Yes,” said ShaunnyShaun.

“Will I get a one year supply of Charmin?” asked PhoinixBlue.

“Yes,” answered Psydekick. “As long as all of the Orginal Wives return to the show!”
“I don't know about all that,” said BuckB as she awoke from her nap.

“I think we better ask JJ and mtoeta before we agree to anything,” said Hulko as she woke up.

“We agree!” exclaimed JustJayJ as she joined the others, followed by mtoeta and Tyreese.

“We do?” asked BuckB.

“Herm has broken the strike already,” explained JustJayJ. “We've lost our bargaining chip.”

“What happened to Hermie?” asked Howdy.

“She was banned, for reasons known to her!” exclaimed JustJayJ.

“Poor Herm!” exclaimed PhoinixBlue. “What will she do now?”

“Herm wasn't banned,” said Tyreese. “She ran away from me! She fears me!”

“Herm is just fine,” said mtoeta as she folded her arms and rolled her eyes at Tyreese. “She fullfilled her lifelong dream by opening “Forever Pink”, an anal bleaching salon on Broad Street in Philadelphia!”

“And she's doing very well,” chimed in JustJayJ.

“Yes,” agreed mtoeta. “In fact, Herm and her salon will be featured in an upcoming episode of Tabatha's Anal Bleaching Salon Takeover!”

“Tabatha!” sighed Hulko. “I'm sooo jelly!”

“Oh no!” exclaimed Psydekick.

“What's wrong?” asked Tyreese.

“I've just been handed a telegram,” exclaimed Psydekick. “It's from Louis and Christian! They've ran off to find Brandon and Lindsay Lohan!”

“Oh well,” said ShaunnyShaun. “At least the rest of us will be on the show.”

Never one to be outdone, JustJayJ was handed a telegram.

“It's from Leo!” exclaimed JustJayJ. “He's asked me to be a Hostmaster for EbonyU!”

“Hostmaster?” asked mtoeta.

“EbonyU?” asked Hulko.

“Smell you later, gurls!” exclaimed JustJayJ. “I'm going to go help Leo make a fortune!”

“It looks like it's just the eight of us now,” said Tyreese. “But I have a feeling this really is going to be the best season ever – without Herm!”

At that very moment, Herm finished working with a VIP client at the Forever Pink salon.

"Don't worry about a thing, Lindsay Lohan,” smiled Herm. “Your asshole looks as pink as it was before you turned to drugs, sex, and alcohol!”

Herm slipped off her plastic gloves and looked at her reflection in the mirror.

“Don't think I've forgotten about you, Tyreese,” smirked Herm. “You're in for a big surprise!”


TO BE CONTINUED...