The Housewives gathered at the Homo Clubhouse for the much-anticipated reunion special, hosted by Fratpad Andy.
“Welcome to the Real Housewives of Fratpad Reunion,” smiled Fratpad Andy. “Joining us tonight are the stars of the Real Housewives of Fratpad: BuckB, Howdy, Hulko44, mtoeta, PhoinixBlue, Tyreese, Psydekick, and ShaunnyShaun.”
“Hi Andy!” chirped the Housewives.
“Much of this season focused on the star-crossed love affair between Howdy and Taylor,” explained Andy. “Howdy, have you heard from Taylor since filming ended?”
“Andy, that is answered in my new book, For the Love of Howdy, coming out soon in paperback,” stated Howdy.
“Do you plan on seeing Taylor again?” asked Andy.
“Funny you should ask,” said Howdy. “Because I touch on that subject in my new DVD, Skinny Pineapple Cooking Made Easy with Howdy.”
“Howdy, you spent time in Fratpad Jail for kidnapping JustJayJ,” stated Andy. “Any thoughts on that?”
“Andy that’s addressed in my eight week webinar class Howdy Do It,” said Howdy. "Sign up today at www.howdy.com!"
“Moving right along, another love story this year was between mtoeta and Hulko44,” smiled Andy. “How are the wedding plans coming along?”
“Andy I do not speak to that creature,” sniffed Hulko. “And she knows why.”
“And I don’t speak or think of that trollop,” snorted mtoeta.
“I’m shocked to learn of this feud,” frowned Andy as he sipped on his gin and juice.
“It’s not a feud,” explained mtoeta. “It’s a war!”
“Hulko,” said Andy. “What do you say to this?”
“I say that I could find more comfort from a toothless street whore than I ever could from this dried up, bagged up, skanked out piece of garbage!” sneered Hulko as she pointed a finger at mtoeta.
“Don’t make me take this to the streets,” shot back mtoeta. “You are a straight up hussy!”
A frightened Andy quickly changed the subject.
“This season brought two new Housewives into the fray,” stated Andy. “Let’s get some input from Psydekick and ShaunnyShaun!”
“Andy I would like to go on record to say that I have never backstabbed or lied to anyone,” said Psydekick. “I’ve always been honest and loyal to all the Housewives.”
“What is this, the last episode of Survivor were you beg the jury for cash?” asked Tyreese. “This is The Real Housewives of Fratpad, dammit! We are supposed to backstab and be dis-loyal, mmk?”
“I just wanted to go on record,” smiled Psydekick as she popped a Valium.
“Shaunny, you’ve achieved success overseas with your new CD,” smiled Andy.
“Yes, and I’d love to sing tonight,” nodded Shaunny.
“Excuse me,” interrupted BuckB. “Andy, I’ve heard this person sing. And this person cannot sing. I am a singer. I entertain. This person makes noise, and it does not sound good.”
“You’re jealous,” taunted Shaunny. “I have a hit CD and you sing tired old songs on YouTube.”
“Shaunny you can’t sing, and you’re not talented, and you sound as trashy as you look,” said BuckB as she folded her arms.
“I sound better than you!” Shaunny shot back.
“I’d like to see you try to sound better than me!” said BuckB. “I’d like to see you try!”
“Well then,” said Andy. “Let’s have a sing-off!”
“A sing off!” agreed the Housewives.
“I think instead of a sing-off, we should have a Gaga-off!” suggested Hulko.
“Yes, a Gaga-off!” agreed Tyreese. “Who will sing the best Gaga song? And PhoinxBlue can judge!”
“Am I even on this show anymore?” asked PhoBlu. “Because I think I had like one line during the entire season.”
Just then, the Fratpad Band began to play, and the Gaga-Off began.
“And the winner is…” said Andy as he motioned to PhoinixBlue.
“The winner is me!” stated PhoinixBlue. “I’m far more talented than either of those wenches.”
Andy thought it best to change the subject.
“Last but not least,” smiled Andy. “Is our friend Tyreese.”
“Hello Andy!” smiled Tyreese.
“Tyreese, you and Herm continued your battle, even with Herm moving away from Cyberspace!” said Andy. “What gives?”
“Herm is the devil,” explained Tyreese. “And I battle the devil in the name of good.”
“Much was said about your YouTube videos about being systematically buried,” said Andy. “Do you really feel that you were a victim?”
“Andy everyone knows Herm will do anything to destroy me,” sighed Tyreese. “But on behalf of all the victims of the world, I shall rise up and defeat Herm!”
“One last question,” said Andy. “mtoeta, Hulko44 – what caused the two of you to end your relationship?”
“That’s what I’d like to know,” said Hulko. “Everything was fine. We were jumping in the Lady Pond! We were frolicking in that pond! Then mtoeta dumped me. Just like that! Out of nowhere!”
“And you have no idea why?” asked Andy.
“Not a clue” frowned Hulko.
“Hulko,” snorted mtoeta. “Let me explain this to you in words that you might be able to understand!”
“Oh shit!” said Tyreese.
“Hulko, you have done me wrong!” said mtoeta as she ripped off her eyelashes and handed them to Andy.
“Oh shit!” said Howdy.
“I have given you everything!” mtoeta said to Hulko as Andy tried to re-apply Toe’s eyelash on his eyelid. “I have groveled! I have taken your orders! I have given you love and understanding! I even paid for your vaginal rejuvenation! And none of it satisfied you! None of it!”
“I was kind of hoping for a new car,” explained Hulko.
“The final straw was when you called to tell me that our engagement was over because you had found a younger Housewife!” cried mtoeta.
“Oh, that’s what you’re mad about?” shrugged Hulko. “Who knew?”
“Can I ask who the new, younger Housewife is?” asked Andy.
“Andy that would be me,” smiled PhoinixBlue. “I’m Hulko’s new lover.”
“How did that come about?” asked Andy.
“I wasn’t really doing anything or anyone else,” explained PhoinixBlue.
“mtoeta, is there any chance of a reconciliation with Hulko?” asked Andy.
“I wouldn’t touch that trashcrotch for all the money in Hostmaster John’s Swiss bank account!” replied mtoeta.
“Thank you all for joining us,” smiled Andy. “And watch for Season Three of The Real Housewives of Fratpad – coming this Spring!”
